Damn Knee

That's right, my left knee officially sucks.

Ugh. All night it was difficult to sleep because of my knee. This morning, I knew I was in real trouble though. When it hurts to get up and go to the bathroom because your knee doesn't want to move, that's pretty sad.

Long story short, I ended up wrapping my knee and crying in my mom's room... then unwrapping my knee because it didn't make it any better and probably hurt it worse. The pain kept getting worse, as did my fears about my knee. It's never really hurt quite this bad before - even when it was -50 degrees Fahrenheit and I had to be outside.

Lately it's been feeling as though my leg from the kneecap down was dead, although I had full control over it and it worked. I remember when I was little and first learning about all the other children with JRA who had to be in a wheelchair before age 8. I was determined to stay out of one. Right now, my biggest fear is that I'll be in one sooner than my 40s, 50s, or 60s... much much sooner.

The thought of having to continue school in a wheelchair absolutely frightens me. Carroll isn't wheelchair accessible at all... not many schools are these days, which is a pretty sad commentary on our world. So then I'd lose my scholarships there. Gah, I don't even want to think about it anymore.

I ended up taking one of my dad's hydrocodone pills. I hate taking them, but the pain was just so bad. I don't like being high, feeling that way. It feels wrong.

I hope it feels better in the morning. I wish Theron was here to hold me and tell me I'll be okay. I always seem to be stronger with him around, braver too.