All Hallow's Eve

Halloween. The best day out of the fall season, not to mention my personal favorite holiday.

I'm dressed up like a goth whore Catholic school girl... complete with hickeys from a cutesy boyfriend who wanted to help with my costume. I think maybe the red fishnets may have been overdoing it with my outfit... I left my stripper boots in my mom's car this morning... Oh well, I have my cute ballet flats. My math professor dressed up this morning like something from "Welcome Back, Kotter", but I was the only one dressed up in my EDU100 class. Sad day. :(

It's about that point in the day where I'm either gonna blast out something awesome (hopefully homework) or sleep... not entirely sure which I should do, but seeing as I'm working in the math tutor lab right now, maybe not sleeping would be good... although I do sleep in Calc, so it would make sense... hmmm...

Theron had a doctor's appointment, and had to leave early. I'm stuck in here until 4, but I'll probably leave at 3 because I have to finish getting ready to go trick or treating at 5, and I haven't eaten all day, except for a peanut butter cup.... which was sooooo tasty, I can't even tell you.

It's about that point in our relationship where I'm starting to figure out that this isn't just a stupid 2 month fling, but like an actual relationship. I'm not afraid of losing him right now. I know that he loves me, and that everything's going to be okay. He's so cute. If you could only see some of the cute things he does, or the cute faces he makes at me... *sigh*

I really like this song, and it's kinda become our song. If you haven't heard it yet, click here and you'll go to the video on youtube. Enjoy!

"Bubbly"
by Colbie Caillat

I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feelin' like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tingles in a silly place

And it starts in my toes
And I crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

The rain is falling on my window pane
But we are hiding in a safer place
Under covers staying safe and warm
You give me feelings that I adore

And it starts in my toes
Make me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

What am I gonna say
When you make me feel this way
I just mmmmm

And they start in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

I've been asleep for a while now
You tuck me in just like a child now
'Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

And it starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feeling shows
'cause you make me smile baby
Just take your time now
Holdin' me tight

Wherever wherever wherever you go
Wherever wherever wherever you go

wherever you go
I always know
'Cause you make me smile
Even just for a while

You knew I had a sick sense of humor right?

Although I love the song "I'll Follow You Into the Dark" by Deathcab for Cutie, I was extremely bored one day, and decided to Weird Al-itize it...

First, I just want to say that this is strictly a parody. I would never, EVER think of children this way. Having been molested at a younger age, I believe it is the worst possible thing someone can do to another human being, with rape in second.

That said, hum along and enjoy!

"I'll Follow You Into the Park"
by Kirsten Walters

After 9
they'll send you outside
and I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the park
I watch you play
out here everyday
I wonder what you'd say
if you knew what I wanna do

if ever they decide that my love is justified
eliminate the bars and the predator signs
I want to stand beside you in the dark
I'll follow you into the park

work at school
let you break every rule
tell others to be cool
and take you into the back
and up above
I'll put on my glove
and try to show my love
so we can relax

if ever they decide that my love is justified
eliminate the bars and the predator signs
I want to stand beside you in the dark
I'll follow you into the park

you and me
oughta grow and be free
I'll let you play my Wii
and let you win
we'll leave this town
and go on down
down to Chinatown
with those hot Asian kids

if ever they decide that my love is justified

eliminate the bars and the predator signs

I want to stand beside you in the dark

I'll follow you into the park

I'll follow you into the park

My weekend...

Saturday went well enough.

Theron woke up at like 830, got out of bed, and didn't wake me up. :( I just thought he was going to the bathroom, but alas, I was wrong. It was actually kinda cute, cos he says he wanted me to get enough sleep.

I had to work from 12-6, but it was Halloween dress day... and I went as a Cyndi Lauper-Madonna-Pat Benatar hyper-80s girl, complete with leg warmers. It was super fun! My friend Nicki brought her kids, and they did face painting, and handed out candy at different spots of the store. Latanya's kids came when she took her lunch and stayed to help, too. It was, like, totally fun to be stuck in the 80's mindset all day.

Then, after work, Theron came and got me. We went to the store and got stuffs to make breakfast for dinner - pancakes & sausage. The only sad thing was that none of the stores we went to had buckwheat flour for pancakes. :( That and my parents were pissy with each other...

Sunday morning started out alright, I suppose, for a Sunday morning. I had to work from 7AM until 2... which was okay I guess, cos I got an hour before we opened to be super slow and finish waking up... and listen to musics. Then, just like Saturday night, the girl that never comes in (but was scheduled at the service desk) *gasp* didn't show up! So guess who had to do that instead of putting up her domestics ads?

I take a break at like 10, cos this lady bitched me out - apparently she thought that Sierra Mist was a Coke product, and therefore on sale with the Coke stuff. Alas, she was incorrect, but still managed to take her anger out on me. Oh well, that's life in customer service...

Then around noon, though, we got extremely busy... Of course, I had almost all new people on checkouts... Which was fine, because most people were understanding about it. Then this super bitch shows up at my friend Mike's register, complaining that all the Halloween stuff is on sale for 33%. First of all, she was wrong about exactly what items were included on that sale (although the sign was a bit misleading, I suppose). It said that the Halloween textiles and decor were on sale... meaning like tablecloths and baskets and such, not decorations. I gave it to her anyways, because that was the right thing to do. First I had to void out the whole transaction, and then ring it all up again, fixing the prices on everything. The woman's sister keeps apologizing to me, because she hates shopping with her sister (because apparently she's ALWAYS a super bitch). I finish fixing the price - the woman is like cussing me out, telling me I have a terrible attitude, and that I shouldn't be on the service desk because I "have the worst attitude of everyone here", but that I should be back in the shoe department, where it's okay if I'm a stupid bitch because no one cares back there. Then she wants the $3 bounty for all that ringing up wrong... which no one taught me how to do on a regular register. SB (super bitch) was furious - "Last time this happened, they did it at the register, and just took the money off - that's what I want." I tried to explain to her that I didn't know how to do that, and she needs to come to the service desk, where I know what to do... which - you can imagine - didn't make her any nicer. In between when Mike was finishing to ring her up and the time she showed up at the service desk, I called Steve up cos she wanted to complain about how terrible a person I am. He's on his way up, and Mike overhears the woman talking to her sister about how I'd better not walk anywhere near the door, because if I did, she was going to grab me by the hair and drag me outside, beat the living shit out of me, and leave me lying in a pool of my own blood. I don't know this until after they're long gone though. She comes up to get the $3 bounty, which I'm only allowed to give out via gift-cards. Apparently, she just wanted it in cash - which I'm not allowed to do. She continues to bitch me out, and then Steve gets there. She spends about half-an-hour yelling about me to him, telling him I need to be fired, meanwhile I'm dealing with other customers - getting red in the face and embarrassed almost to the point of tears. Thankfully, there are SOME customers who try to help the workers feel better. She leaves, and about 10 minutes later, when things settle down a bit, I see Steve making a B-line for me. I feel this huge sense of dread... but he pretty much just tells me he's sorry, that she was completely wrong, that I've got a great attitude, and showed me how to do bounties on regular registers so that I don't have to deal with the service desk as far as that goes.

Needless to say, I took my lunch about now. Tried to call Theron - asleep... mom - asleep... Gramma Patty - asleep... Adam - asleep... Then Theron woke up and calmed me down. I was literally in tears. I hate to think that people think ill of me... especially when I know that they've threatened me, like I found out shortly before going on my lunch. I always try to be the best me possible, and to have somebody be so rude to me - despite saying that she works customer service for a friggin' bank - is retarded. I want to know which bank she works at, go there, and act like a total bitch, see how she likes it... grrr!

I guess some people have to be complete assholes for us to appreciate the nice people (like my sweet girls at work), or our own niceness.

We went out and spent some time with Theron's mom tonight, which was nice. She's cool, and apparently she likes me, which is super awesome.

Theron accidentally closed my finger in his car window... haha. Kinda funny story really though. I rolled my window down a lil to throw out my gum, and he thought I was just going to spit it out... so he was gonna roll up my window so that my gum got stuck to it... alas, my finger was there, and got a lil squished. It really only hurt for like 15 minutes, and then adrenaline kicked in, and I'm all better!

So, I'm guessing that Boston is going to win the World Series again... YAY! I'm glad that the curse has been erased for good now... This is proof of it.

Haha! Theron just found King Kong in Spanish on satellite. That was awesome!

Well, I'm off to bed then. Enjoy your day!

Finally!

Theron's car is finally ready! Thank god! I got tired of walking lol. But they've had it since Monday morning - how long can it really take to fix some break lines?

I got on to check on my credit card, to see how much I owe and all. It said I had like 200 available on it... I got scared that maybe some things hadn't cleared... But they raised my credit limit to $650 now instead of the $500 it's been at since I got it last July. Yay me! Hopefully that means I got kudos on my credit score too! :-D

I think I'm going to switch majors. I know that I want to have Religious Studies as my major, but I'm debating between Politics and History as a minor... or both... I hadn't thought of both, but Theron brought up the idea this morning, and it seems like a good one to me. I've always been able to handle the intellectual stuff better, so I dunno why I keep trying to major in a hard science. Apparently I like to make things hard on myself.

Last night was our Trivial Pursuit game - history club students against the faculty, and we almost won! We got all the pie pieces first, but they got their final answer right before us. :( At least we tried hard! And had tons o' fun! One of the professors there, Dr. Byler, if from Pendleton, Oregon. We had a nice lil talk about Eugene and Oregon and how much we both miss it back in the rainy land we hail from. Funny enough, it all resulted from a question we had to ask the faculty about Oregon State, and then someone said - "Oh yah, U of O isn't Corvallis..." and I'm like "No, that's Eugene... where I hail from." So then all the faculty got wrapped up in asking me questions about it instead of paying attention to their questions, lol. It was a lot of fun though, and maybe part of my wants to minor in history to be the new president of the club, so I can plan fun stuffs like that too! Michelle did an awesome job! Oh! And the best part about it was that it was like a costume party too! Theron went as a cow (hee hee) and I went as a muted version of Pat Bennetar. There was a Monk, some 40s women, a WWI soldier, a Crusades fighter, and the lost Princess Anastasia (in disguise, of course!). Rempe, the only history professor I've taken a class from (who retired last year, much to the chagrin of almost the entire campus) showed up! It was nice to see him outside of Kmart... He comes in a lot to get bug spray and such.

I've had this feeling the past couple of days that something bad was going to happen (read my last blog for more details). I was convinced that it was going to have something to do with Theron, since anyone who knows me knows that I have terrible relationship luck. This morning, though, on the way to school, my dad and I almost got into a horrible car accident that surely would've crippled him, and at least left me with a concussion and maybe a broken arm/leg and some ribs. At the intersection of Racine Ave and Hwy 164, there's a light (duh!). We had the go straight arrow, and hence, the right of way. We were a lil ways back, and so one of the cars going to turn went, which was perfectly fine - he totally had enough time to do so. But, the van behind him decided it was going to go... without looking. We're coming, and he's going. Dad slowed down, but the van sped up, and we were seriously within an inch or so of being creamed. Dad swerved, sans breaking, and then quickly had to swerve to the other side to avoid a white semi-van thing that was going to go through the right turn without yielding! Phew! We are so lucky that he is a good driver. But, my bad feeling that I had? It's gone now. Hopefully, that was what it was about. I think everything is going to be okay now... or at least, I hope.

Damnit Buddha...

Why do you have to be so right?!?

I have everything I could possibly want right now, everything that I need... and yet, I still feel out of place... not as isolated as before, but still on my own lil island out in the middle of no man's land. Nothing - not an awesome Halloween costume, great friends, an awesome family, an amazing guy - nothing helps. I'm beginning to think that maybe I should get some medicine, or maybe one of those fancy vitamin D lights that help people with SADD.

Or maybe, just maybe, I should try harder to stop being stupid with this depression stuff. I dunno why, but it all the sudden hit me again last week. I'm not doing well in Calc 1, and half the time I dunno how to help people in the math lab. I feel utterly inadequate. Theron's been doing so much for me, and I feel terrible about it. You significant other is supposed to be someone to share things in life with, not do everything for... that's children. And I'm sure that, at 20, he doesn't want/need one right now.

I guess I'm just feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone right now. I don't spend hardly any time with Kelsey, and I see the effect it's having, both on her and on our relationship. I barely get to see my mom anymore, and I think I see my dad right before bed, but sometimes neither of them are awake by the time I'm home. They work so hard, and I complain about the measly bit of time I work and go to school.

I wish I could suck it up and be the strong one, like I was for so many years. I can just hear my next conversation with Nathan: "I know you told me to be the strong one Nate, but I so am not strong... not nearly as strong as I let on." He'll tell me I'm being silly and far too literal - because I'm sure that I am - but I can't change it. Believe me, I've tried.

As comical as it is, I feel like that part of Spaceballs... They've crash-landed on that desert planet (a.k.a. mock-Tatooine) and are walking the day after. They're all so tired and so thirsty. Lone Star is trying desperately to go on, carrying his beautiful Princess Vespa, when out of nowhere, his best friend collapses. Then he tries to gather up the strength to keep going, but fails and falls into the sand after dropping Vespa to the side. The mock-Jawas come up and are giving me water now, but it's almost like I don't want to drink - not in a "I want to die" mode, obviously. More of an apathetic, "I want to take care of everyone else first, and never have anyone take care of me, but feel bad if they try" mode.

I've never really depended on someone outside of family so much before. It's a great breakthrough, but scary as hell too. After starting to talk about impermanence in Asian Religions, I think it's finally hit me how impermanent everything really is... including Theron. I think my biggest problem, seeing as it is a lil over a month into our relationship, is that I'm wondering when he's gonna get up and leave me. I don't want him to, not now and not in the future. But I feel like I'm expecting it, and it's making me more depressed. Honestly, it scares the living shit out of me.

We're supposed to expect the unexpected. What about unexpecting the expected?

Yoga and the Art of Meditation

Although I practice the physical part of yoga, in addition to keeping my mind stilled and freed from distraction, I never before thought about the ability to be freed from anything but the everyday stresses that plague me. I imagine I'm on a beach, the most beautiful I can think of. I've been under a tree, in the shade, and the sun starts to rise slowly, disabling the tree from protecting my pale skin. The sun starts to touch my toes, creating much welcomed warmth. It then rises up my body, and I feel the warmth traveling through me, my body absorbing it like a sponge in water. It reaches the point where my fingertips are warmed, the sun rising up my arms, my torso, and my neck. It gets to my eyes, and I have to squint a little, being unaccustomed to so much sun. Finally, it reaches the top of my head, and I am immersed in sunshine, becoming one with it. The sand below me falls away, and I am suspended in the air, the sun now shining all around me. It permeates my skin, burning away all of the sorrow and frustration, the stress and the pain I feel. It takes away the thoughts of imperfections, of insufficiencies, and my doubts about the path I'm on; instead, it takes me to a place where I am content with myself, where I can be completely myself, without fear of being not good enough for anyone, including myself. My body starts to drift back down onto the sand, landing ever so gently. The sun changes its direction, starts moving away from me and back behind my tree. It slowly fades from my head, my fingertips, all the way down to my toes. And I am once again asleep under a tree on a beach. When I open my eyes, I'm back in my room, or my boyfriends, or outside on the grass. I feel rejuvenated, rested, like I've slept for ages.

Gah!

It's cold. It wouldn't really bother me except that my metabolism is all low because I haven't eaten yet today, and my sweater - which looked so warm when I bought it - is crap! I should just take it back later...

My body is aching so bad. Not sure whether it's the cold or the fact that I walked so much yesterday... Or that I'm hungry and cranky, and maybe trying to find things to complain about to a whole new audience!

I don't have to work again until Friday night. Hopefully my boss won't be there. Grrr is my manager at Kmart (for safety's sake - thanks Theron). Outside of work, she's an awesome lady - relatively easy to get along with. But when I'm at work... it's a totally different story. It feels like she doesn't think I'm capable of things. I am! I work my butt off everyday that I'm there. I'm the soft home team lead (basically, I manage towels, sheets, pillows, curtains, and other domestical items). I am the only one that does anything in that department. I used to have someone in charge of me, but now I report directly to the managers. They're not hiring anyone else to be my boss either, so I'll be alone there forever! It's extremely hard to take care of all of that and go to school full time. I have a minimum of 20 hours that I have to work in that department, and on top of that I end up doing a million other things. I know how to do everything in that store, so everyone asks me to cover their breaks and such. It's not my fault that there's no one on the floor - let alone anyone who knows how to do hunting licenses or has override numbers or knows where everything is in jewelry! I make more than people that have been there for years - which really actually makes me feel really bad - but it doesn't seem like I'm appreciated by Grrr otherwise. I bake cookies and buy pizza to share with everyone so they're happy, because she's brought down the morale so much that it only takes small things like that... All the best people have started to leave or are looking to, because they can't stand her and the way she manages the place. The store keeps getting worse and worse, because no one cares about having their job anymore - no one cares if they do well, because they hate everything that store is now. I do too, but I at least try to work a little bit. I guess I just feel stretched thin, and being unappreciated isn't helping it.

School is great. I love being in college, and so close to my goal of teaching. I just wish I had figured out that's what I wanted last year, so that I didn't have to stay here longer. My Calc 1 class hasn't been going so well, but hopefully since I'm doing the homework now, and I understand more, I'll be able to do better on the test tomorrow. Crap! I gotta catch up on that fast!

Theron is so cute. I'm sure he's gonna be all, "Why are you bragging about me? Now the people on my baseball blog will think I'm all crazy...ier..." But he really is. He's perfect for me, and it's awesome. I really feel like I have a center now, and whether or not he is it or helped me find it, I'm super grateful.

I got all these Buddhist books the other day, and I'm slowly working on them. It really is mostly what I've believe my whole life. I don't necessarily believe everything, but most of it. Reincarnation? Sure. No soul attached to the reincarnation thing? Not so much. Otherwise, you wouldn't really remember it, right? Not that you do anyway, but when you achieve Nirvana I mean.

For now, I'm going to go get some hot chocolate... or some coffee... maybe Theron won't notice that I had some with my coffee breath... I doubt it though.

Enjoy this fascinating tidbit on JRA:

Many famous people have suffered from RA. Pierre-Auguste Renoir, the 19th-century painter, developed RA in mid-life. His hands became so crippled that his paint brush had to be wedged between his fingers. However, he kept his sense of humour. He joked that he never finished a nude painting until he thought he could pinch it!

Comedy queen Lucille Ball of "I Love Lucy" fame had rheumatoid arthritis when she was 17 but that didn’t stop her from pursuing her dreams. Her first attack came while she was working as a model for Hattie Carnegie’s famous dress shop. She felt excruciating pain in her legs and the doctor who saw her said she would probably end up in a wheelchair as a result of the disease. Lucy was later referred to an orthopedic clinic near Columbia University where she was given experimental "horse serum" shots for several weeks that drained her money but didn’t stop the pain. Frightened and discouraged, she returned to her parent’s home in Jamestown, New York. "Gradually the pain subsided and finally one day with the support of her father and doctor, Lucy stood up, feeling wobbly and unsteady. Her left leg was now somewhat shorter than her right leg and it pulled sideways. To correct this, she began wearing a 20 - pound weight in one of her black orthopedic shoes. Though Lucy had residual pain she was able to take a part offered her with the Jamestown Players and she later returned to New York City in search of her dreams," said Carol and Richard Eustice - the people behind About.com’s Arthritis Guide who both have rheumatoid arthritis as well.

Hollywood star Kathleen Turner was so bothered by the pain of rheumatoid arthritis that she had suicidal thoughts.Rosalind Russell, star of the silver screen, had severe RA and did much to garner support for the advancement of research into this disease.

Aida Turturro- Aida Turturro plays Tony Soprano's conniving sister, Janice, on the HBO series "The Sopranos" , AND has suffered from rheumatoid arthritis since she was a child.

Camryn Manheim- "I went to several doctors before visiting a rheumatologist who finally diagnosed the painful swelling and stiffness in my joints as rheumatoid arthritis," says Camryn. "It took close to eight months for me to get properly diagnosed and treated. I lost valuable time, and the joint damage I sustained is irreversible. I'm sharing my story with the hope that it will inspire others to take control of their rheumatoid arthritis by learning more about the disease and working with a rheumatologist to manage it." Camryn first noticed the pain and stiffness in her fingers while she was practicing sign language, a passion of hers for more than 20 years. Initially, Camryn was told the pain was due to aging, but because of the severity of her symptoms, Camryn knew it was something more. It wasn't until Camryn conducted her own research and consulted with a rheumatologist that she received a proper diagnosis and found a treatment regimen that worked for her. Now, Camryn's symptoms are under control and she again has the energy to enjoy her normal daily activities, like teaching sign language and playing with her four-year-old son. Camryn's rheumatologist also is managing her treatment process closely to ensure she does not endure additional joint destruction.

-I got this from Michelle's Myspace page on Fighting Rheumatoid Arthritis - check it out on my JRA links list.

First Post - woohoo!

So this is my blog. I'm sure you've stumbled over it accidentally while trying to search serious "How To"s, but this'll help you, trust me.

A lil bit about me...
I'm 19, in college majoring in math and education. Someday I'll have a classroom full of high school students thinking I'm either insane or genius. I've got an awesome boyfriend who also blogs on here, about baseball (his other love). We've been together a month as of last Saturday, and I totally feel perfect around him. I love music (my equivalent to his baseball). I sing, compose, write, play the piano - which I taught myself for the most part. I'm always singing or listening, so in essence, it's my life. I have Still's Disease (also known as Systemic Onset Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis). My life is centered around the things I can and can't do, although I tend to push myself a lot to feel more normal. I'll put more about it in an about me section I suppose.

The purpose...
of this blog is to offer some insight into how it is to be a giggly & giddy go-getter with a million things on her mind, working almost full time at (suc)Kmart and going to school full time. It'll have advice & hints on how to make it through the hard days, celebrations on the good, and commentaries on the normal. It'll chronicle my JRA, be a guide for people who need help managing pain, and for those interested in making a journey to self-discovery. I'm just starting on my path into Buddhism, taking a class about Asian Religions at school. But, I'm growing more and more certain everyday that it's the right path for me.

I would love to get any feedback on any of my posts. My email is kwhiggitywhiggitywhack@gmail.com. Feel free to email me at anytime. Fun addy, huh? X-P