Damnit Buddha...

Why do you have to be so right?!?

I have everything I could possibly want right now, everything that I need... and yet, I still feel out of place... not as isolated as before, but still on my own lil island out in the middle of no man's land. Nothing - not an awesome Halloween costume, great friends, an awesome family, an amazing guy - nothing helps. I'm beginning to think that maybe I should get some medicine, or maybe one of those fancy vitamin D lights that help people with SADD.

Or maybe, just maybe, I should try harder to stop being stupid with this depression stuff. I dunno why, but it all the sudden hit me again last week. I'm not doing well in Calc 1, and half the time I dunno how to help people in the math lab. I feel utterly inadequate. Theron's been doing so much for me, and I feel terrible about it. You significant other is supposed to be someone to share things in life with, not do everything for... that's children. And I'm sure that, at 20, he doesn't want/need one right now.

I guess I'm just feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone right now. I don't spend hardly any time with Kelsey, and I see the effect it's having, both on her and on our relationship. I barely get to see my mom anymore, and I think I see my dad right before bed, but sometimes neither of them are awake by the time I'm home. They work so hard, and I complain about the measly bit of time I work and go to school.

I wish I could suck it up and be the strong one, like I was for so many years. I can just hear my next conversation with Nathan: "I know you told me to be the strong one Nate, but I so am not strong... not nearly as strong as I let on." He'll tell me I'm being silly and far too literal - because I'm sure that I am - but I can't change it. Believe me, I've tried.

As comical as it is, I feel like that part of Spaceballs... They've crash-landed on that desert planet (a.k.a. mock-Tatooine) and are walking the day after. They're all so tired and so thirsty. Lone Star is trying desperately to go on, carrying his beautiful Princess Vespa, when out of nowhere, his best friend collapses. Then he tries to gather up the strength to keep going, but fails and falls into the sand after dropping Vespa to the side. The mock-Jawas come up and are giving me water now, but it's almost like I don't want to drink - not in a "I want to die" mode, obviously. More of an apathetic, "I want to take care of everyone else first, and never have anyone take care of me, but feel bad if they try" mode.

I've never really depended on someone outside of family so much before. It's a great breakthrough, but scary as hell too. After starting to talk about impermanence in Asian Religions, I think it's finally hit me how impermanent everything really is... including Theron. I think my biggest problem, seeing as it is a lil over a month into our relationship, is that I'm wondering when he's gonna get up and leave me. I don't want him to, not now and not in the future. But I feel like I'm expecting it, and it's making me more depressed. Honestly, it scares the living shit out of me.

We're supposed to expect the unexpected. What about unexpecting the expected?