I Want the Blues!

School's started up again for me.
My hours at work have gotten cut more and more.
I'm not in the best shape financially.
My cell phone died.
I'm slightly unstable and super emotional.

Basically, I'm probably not going to be writing a lot in the next little while. Not like I'm the most constant writer anyhow, but don't expect anything big for a bit.

Bummed out, but not about Zork!

For some reason, I'm bummed today. I shouldn't be though.

I mean, I stayed awake through calculus this morning with very little waining. I have all my homework done for the rest of the semester except for calculus, which I'm caught up on. My job isn't as bad as I think it is. I have an awesome family. My boyfriend is amazingly wonderful and adorable.

So what's wrong with me???

I have some thoughts on the subject...

1. I am currently emotional for a biological reason.
2. The holidays are coming up, and although I've done fairly well so far this year, I know that my SAD is going to kick in soon.
3. Finals are coming up :(
4. I miss my extended family and our huge holidays.
5. Work and stress from that.
6. Being so busy.
7. Being so sick, even if I don't show it.
8. Having a lot of acquaintances and friends, but not best friends.
9. Feeling like I'm losing control over certain aspects of my life, and not knowing how every thing is going to turn out.
10. My tendency to over-analyze things and assume people's thoughts/words/actions are different that they really are.
11. Although it is a ways off, thinking about graduate school and where I should go.
12. Knowing that winter break is coming up and the only thing I have to do until school starts again is work my butt off.
13. Knowing that after finals, my little brother will be back in Chicago until he starts at Concordia in the spring.
14. Knowing that winter break is coming up and that Theron will be home and not around, and that we'll both be working a lot, so I might not get to talk to him that much, let alone visit.

I hate it when I get bummed out. It's like everything will be going great, but my brain just freaks out on me.

Maybe after I eat something in a bit, it'll be better. I don't eat enough in the daytime, and I'm sure it throws off my metabolism.

On a happy note, the spell checker on here says I have spelled everything correctly. Coolio. Well, now it's mad because it doesn't recognize coolio.

Whatever computer, whatever. I'll do what I want.

Know what game I miss? Zork. Not the crazy picture one - no, that's not Zork. The Zork that runs on an old 386 with the green monitor and that overworked computer smell. Ahhh. I remember playing that for hours on end, trying to draw out maps so that I knew where I was going in the crazy maze of rooms below the locked cellar door.

Luckily, I found a site where I can download it. I'll try it later in the math lab, so tenatively it works. I would assume it does, because it's from the maker of the trilogy.

Oh! And here's a site where you can just play online too! You can save your game too. That'll make beating the game soooo much easier, to not have to start over so much. It's kinda slow, but super fun. There are a few more sites out there, but they require you to save on your computer - they're not easily transfered that way. However, those sites are faster.

Go play Zork, you dork!

Damnit Buddha...

Why do you have to be so right?!?

I have everything I could possibly want right now, everything that I need... and yet, I still feel out of place... not as isolated as before, but still on my own lil island out in the middle of no man's land. Nothing - not an awesome Halloween costume, great friends, an awesome family, an amazing guy - nothing helps. I'm beginning to think that maybe I should get some medicine, or maybe one of those fancy vitamin D lights that help people with SADD.

Or maybe, just maybe, I should try harder to stop being stupid with this depression stuff. I dunno why, but it all the sudden hit me again last week. I'm not doing well in Calc 1, and half the time I dunno how to help people in the math lab. I feel utterly inadequate. Theron's been doing so much for me, and I feel terrible about it. You significant other is supposed to be someone to share things in life with, not do everything for... that's children. And I'm sure that, at 20, he doesn't want/need one right now.

I guess I'm just feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone right now. I don't spend hardly any time with Kelsey, and I see the effect it's having, both on her and on our relationship. I barely get to see my mom anymore, and I think I see my dad right before bed, but sometimes neither of them are awake by the time I'm home. They work so hard, and I complain about the measly bit of time I work and go to school.

I wish I could suck it up and be the strong one, like I was for so many years. I can just hear my next conversation with Nathan: "I know you told me to be the strong one Nate, but I so am not strong... not nearly as strong as I let on." He'll tell me I'm being silly and far too literal - because I'm sure that I am - but I can't change it. Believe me, I've tried.

As comical as it is, I feel like that part of Spaceballs... They've crash-landed on that desert planet (a.k.a. mock-Tatooine) and are walking the day after. They're all so tired and so thirsty. Lone Star is trying desperately to go on, carrying his beautiful Princess Vespa, when out of nowhere, his best friend collapses. Then he tries to gather up the strength to keep going, but fails and falls into the sand after dropping Vespa to the side. The mock-Jawas come up and are giving me water now, but it's almost like I don't want to drink - not in a "I want to die" mode, obviously. More of an apathetic, "I want to take care of everyone else first, and never have anyone take care of me, but feel bad if they try" mode.

I've never really depended on someone outside of family so much before. It's a great breakthrough, but scary as hell too. After starting to talk about impermanence in Asian Religions, I think it's finally hit me how impermanent everything really is... including Theron. I think my biggest problem, seeing as it is a lil over a month into our relationship, is that I'm wondering when he's gonna get up and leave me. I don't want him to, not now and not in the future. But I feel like I'm expecting it, and it's making me more depressed. Honestly, it scares the living shit out of me.

We're supposed to expect the unexpected. What about unexpecting the expected?