Sooo

My sister went to the emergency room last night with appendicitis. I haven't really slept super well since. We brought her home around 3:30 or 4 o'clock this afternoon. Any time that I have slept since we got into her room around 3 this morning was because of low blood sugar and exhaustion.

So exhausted. Blech.

Seizures

My sister and I went to see Star Trek Monday, but she was feeling really odd and nauseous. As we walked around Barnes and Noble searching for a place to sit down, her whole body went limp and she stopped responding to my voice. I eased her down to the ground and held her head in my lap as I watched my sweet baby sister helplessly seize and shake. It took me a moment to realize what was happening, but as soon as I did, I had help.

There was a woman behind me with her cell phone already out who was able to call 911 within seconds of when Kelsey's seizure started. Even more luckily perhaps, a gentleman who works at the store is married to a woman with epilepsy and was able to help me handle the situation. Unfortunately for myself, he arrived just a short time after I put my finger in Kelsey's mouth to stop her from biting her tongue off. I do not really regret that decision, but I'm thinking it's not so good that I still have no feeling in the tip section of that finger.

The seizure lasted between a minute and a half to two minutes. It was the longest-shortest time in my entire life. My sister is like my daughter, is my best friend, and one of the people that makes my world a better place. Sure, we fight a lot, but I think that she and I both know how very much the other loves her. The ways in which her body contorted and twisted, trembled and shook - there are no words which can describe the terrible mark those sights have left on me.

As Kelsey started coming out of her Grand Mal seizure, I was sure she was dying. Her clenched jaw began to ease up, but her breathing was still so labored, almost non-existent; her eyes were still in the back of her head and her face was still the palest I've ever seen it. The man whose wife had epilepsy was talking me through the situation, telling me that she would be alright, but there was a big part of me that couldn't believe this Good Samaritan.

Nothing... nothing... finally a breath. I laid her down on the ground in the open area which had now become our ground zero. She kept crawling around, squirming and grunting. I just kept talking to her, saying her name, and telling her that everything was going to be alright... even though I wasn't sure it would be. I had to believe, if only just for her. It was a few moments later that the paramedics showed up.

Altogether, about five minutes had elapsed from the time my sister passed out. I was very impressed with the quick response from the EMTs. The both of them were very helpful and I was so grateful to have these men who knew how to handle both the situation and someone who is younger and very confused. The younger of the paramedics was very good with Kelsey throughout our time with them.

Once the paramedics had gotten some vitals from my sister and vital information from myself, we got Kelsey onto the stretcher and headed for the elevator. Kelsey still doesn't remember being fully with it during this time period, but she was so scared. She kept talking about how she wanted our mom, that I needed to be right with her, and that she didn't want to go to the ambulance. I had tried to maintain my cool throughout the situation, but seeing her so confused and so very out of it made my heart drop.

Once we got down to the ambulance, the paramedics wanted me to sit in the front seat, where Kelsey couldn't see me. I began to call my parents and let them know what had happened now that I could count on paramedics to care for my sister. My mom sounded brave on the phone, but I could feel her heart sink; the situation was the same with my step dad. The paramedics came over and let me know that I could come sit right next to Kelsey instead, helping the two of us feel a whole lot better.

We sat in the ambulance for what felt like ten minutes before actually leaving for the Children's Hospital. En route to the hospital, my sister finally came to completely. By this point, we had talked five or six times about what had happened, but this last time there was a different look in her eyes. She understood what I had said and started worrying about our financial situation instead of her own health. She also stared making more jokes, so I knew that she had come back. She didn't really recall any of the events of the day or even the night before.

We finally got to the emergency room entrance of the hospital after almost losing Kelsey to traffic during the ride. Her stretcher wasn't secured all the way and she started to drift towards the doors. The paramedic in the back didn't notice right away, but I did. After everything we'd already been through that day, I had to re-lock her stretcher into place too. I'm just happy she didn't fly out onto the busy road behind us.

We were shown to Kelsey's room and she was able - for the first time - to move on her own. The attending nurse got some more vitals and then left us to get Kelsey into her hospital gown. She was still amazingly dizzy and it was near impossible for her to stand on her own for longer than a second. We got her changed into her gown. It was the first time we'd been alone since we'd left the car before ten thirty. Understandably, after the day's events, we hugged so tightly and began to cry. It was about this time that my parents showed up, turning the crying duo into a foursome.

We were in the hospital for a few hours. Between phone calls and text messages, most of anyone important knew about the situation relatively quickly. The nurses got Kelsey on a saline IV, then ran blood tests on electrolytes, an EKG, and a CT scan. After all those tests, there wasn't any reason found for Kelsey's seizure. She only has a 30% chance of having another seizure again in her whole life, but that won't prevent me from watching her like a hawk when I can be around.

My parents...

are driving down to Kansas City as we speak. My stepbrother Mike got kicked out of his girlfriend's house and has nowhere to go...

If I'm not at work this weekend, that's probably why. I have to take care of my little sister first.

<3

Damnit Buddha...

Why do you have to be so right?!?

I have everything I could possibly want right now, everything that I need... and yet, I still feel out of place... not as isolated as before, but still on my own lil island out in the middle of no man's land. Nothing - not an awesome Halloween costume, great friends, an awesome family, an amazing guy - nothing helps. I'm beginning to think that maybe I should get some medicine, or maybe one of those fancy vitamin D lights that help people with SADD.

Or maybe, just maybe, I should try harder to stop being stupid with this depression stuff. I dunno why, but it all the sudden hit me again last week. I'm not doing well in Calc 1, and half the time I dunno how to help people in the math lab. I feel utterly inadequate. Theron's been doing so much for me, and I feel terrible about it. You significant other is supposed to be someone to share things in life with, not do everything for... that's children. And I'm sure that, at 20, he doesn't want/need one right now.

I guess I'm just feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone right now. I don't spend hardly any time with Kelsey, and I see the effect it's having, both on her and on our relationship. I barely get to see my mom anymore, and I think I see my dad right before bed, but sometimes neither of them are awake by the time I'm home. They work so hard, and I complain about the measly bit of time I work and go to school.

I wish I could suck it up and be the strong one, like I was for so many years. I can just hear my next conversation with Nathan: "I know you told me to be the strong one Nate, but I so am not strong... not nearly as strong as I let on." He'll tell me I'm being silly and far too literal - because I'm sure that I am - but I can't change it. Believe me, I've tried.

As comical as it is, I feel like that part of Spaceballs... They've crash-landed on that desert planet (a.k.a. mock-Tatooine) and are walking the day after. They're all so tired and so thirsty. Lone Star is trying desperately to go on, carrying his beautiful Princess Vespa, when out of nowhere, his best friend collapses. Then he tries to gather up the strength to keep going, but fails and falls into the sand after dropping Vespa to the side. The mock-Jawas come up and are giving me water now, but it's almost like I don't want to drink - not in a "I want to die" mode, obviously. More of an apathetic, "I want to take care of everyone else first, and never have anyone take care of me, but feel bad if they try" mode.

I've never really depended on someone outside of family so much before. It's a great breakthrough, but scary as hell too. After starting to talk about impermanence in Asian Religions, I think it's finally hit me how impermanent everything really is... including Theron. I think my biggest problem, seeing as it is a lil over a month into our relationship, is that I'm wondering when he's gonna get up and leave me. I don't want him to, not now and not in the future. But I feel like I'm expecting it, and it's making me more depressed. Honestly, it scares the living shit out of me.

We're supposed to expect the unexpected. What about unexpecting the expected?