Wednesdays

are always really long seeming... except this one.

I'm having a great day today.

I actually woke up and was ready to leave the house by 6, but since we didn't have to leave until closer to 745, I was able to shower and be all girly with my hair. I got all dressed up and look all purdy.

Calculus was okay this morning. Still didn't get the tests back from last week, but hopefully tomorrow. Dr. Feil's getting sicker, and I'm getting unhappy that I'm in the splash-zone... luckily, he's not a spitter. Haha.

I got to snuggle with Theron this morning. He's super cuddly. :)

The only thing that really irked me about today so far was my EDU100 class. No, not really the class, but the topic. The whole class period today dealt with the ugly (Mrs. Donovan gave us the ol' "the good, the bad, and the ugly" speech at the beginning of the year). Last night I had to read a handout about the signs of all kinds of abuse - how to spot them, report them, all that fun stuff. There was a whole page with the things that teachers are supposed to watch out for, the most important warning signs of neglect and physical/emotional/sexual abuse. I hate that the article doesn't mention children molesting each other, because that happens more than adult on children sexual abuse.

For those of you who don't know, or don't know me, I was sexually abused by my best friend when I was little. Most of the women in my family have been. We all tend to be people pleasers, which is apparently one of the main symptoms of emotional abuse.

When someone is abused sexually, it doesn't just affect the sexual part of him/her. It takes a huge toll on them physically (depending on exactly what's happening to them), and emotionally.

It's like someone has stolen your innocence away. That's not something that you just get back... you never really do. All you can do is to pretend that it didn't happen to you, to block it out. The only problem with that, though, is that you are who you are. If I wasn't abused, maybe I would be some Britney Spears type pop star, ruining my life more and more with each line of coke I snort... or some girl who got pregnant in middle school, because she hadn't been exposed to sexuality before and had no clue what was happening to her during the conception.

The point is, you are who you are, and everything that you've been through has helped to make you that way. Yes, I'm withdrawn for the first few days/weeks/months that you know me, but I'm sure that it's helped me to avoid more problems by not interacting with certain people. Or my sister with her anger issues - she doesn't get walked all over by people trying to manipulate her because that's her defense.

We can't ignore our pasts. So, what's our alternative? Just omit it? That's the same as ignoring. Not focus on it at all? Same thing. The only thing that we can do is embrace the things that we've been through, the trials and tribulations, if you will, that we've faced. I was sexually abused for many years. No one knew what was going on, and I couldn't bring myself to talk, so no one could possibly do anything about it. How could I understand the things that my mama and my sister have been through if that hadn't happened to me? How unfeeling and awkward would the revealing conversations be? How many children/people am I supposed to talk to, supposed to let them know that they didn't do anything wrong, it wasn't their fault?

I know it might seem like I'm not mad about it at all. Believe me, I'm extremely upset. You would think that having a family full of abused women would have helped me, that they would've seen. Not necessarily. And maybe parts of them did see, did notice little things wrong, but were in denial.

And Claire? Oh, believe me, she got hers I'm sure. A six year old doesn't know those kinds of things unless shown... Her dad neglected them constantly. He worked for a Congressman who shall remain nameless... They were always with his friends or his girlfriends (and boy, did he go through a lot of 'em!).

I was so hesitant to move away from Eugene, not because I was going to miss my friends or my family (not to say that I wasn't, but it didn't scare the life outta me), but because I didn't know where she was. Come to find out (through searching myspace and google in the last 5 minutes) she's in Milwaukee... great... wonderful... perfect... lovely...

Anyways, enough about all that junkers. I think an hour venting is good enough for right now.

On a much, much, MUCH lighter and happier note, I'm going to a Buddhist temple tonight on a site visit for rel306. I'm really excited. This is really what I want to be and really what I identify with. Hopefully it goes well.

I'm sure I'll hop on tomorrow with wonderful tales about Buddhism and such things.

KK