I apologize for my long absence once again. All my free time has been going to organizing school stuff and finding cute things for my dorm room... not to mention a weekend away at Theron's.
Air Canada might face some fines should there be an accident where a life vest would save a passenger's life who dies in the future. It's removing the life vests from the airplanes it controls in order to save money on fuel and lose some weight. Seems to me that you should work on getting bigger planes than losing precautionary measures that can save lives.
The Dalai Lama is in the hospital! He'll be fine, just undergoing some tests for a bout of abdominal discomfort.
AND this ridiculous spider killed a family dog. I feel bad for them, but honestly the guy with the arm bite on this page seems more worse off.
Speaking of worse off, this baby's cancer was diagnosed simply from a picture. How amazing is that?
Showing posts with label Buddhism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Buddhism. Show all posts
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Thursday, May 1, 2008
What is the World Coming to?
It seems like all we're hearing about lately, with exception of the occasional heroism, is bad news.
Gas keeps going up. The national average has gone up more than thirty cents in the past month, and yet many companies including ExxonMobil are reporting record profits. This company in particular has also refused to explore alternative fuels, which is getting them sued by late founder John D. Rockefeller's heirs. Hopefully some good comes of it. Because of gas though, many people are trying to sell family heirlooms that are priceless to these families, but aren't fetching high prices online. We all need the extra money for gas. Whenever most people get their stimulus check, it should be a little better, but in the meantime, our economy sucks.
And then there's the Syncrude Canada Ltd. company, whose dumping of toxic waste is killing off poor duckies. Not only was it caused by the company dumping toxic waste into the pond nearby and not attempting to keep ducks away from it, but the company didn't report it at all. Only five out of 500 of the ducks survived, when normally only about two dozen die.
There have been like 344 earthquakes in Reno in the past WEEK?!?!? Most of them are small aftershocks, but the most recent quake was a 4.7, which wasn't strong enough to demolish houses, but definitely enough to shake everything up a lot. Store owners had to clean up hundreds of bottles of wine and other groceries.
And apparently Japan has one of the highest suicide rates? I guess there has been a surge in suicide websites, with people posting - similar to craigslist personals - "Let's die together," "Anyone else ready to die?" and the ever so popular "Email me if serious." The latest craze is to mix laundry detergent and cleaning solutions, creating hydrogen sulfide gas. Being a former chem major, I can tell you first hand that this stuff smells about ten times worse than running over a skunk. Why in the world anyone would want to smell that during their last precious moments on Earth, even if they are trying to kill themselves, is completely beyond me. On top of that, many of these people live in apartment buildings. These people want to die 'honorably' but they're taking out their neighbors too, or at least causing terrible brain damage due to suffocation and the chemicals themselves. Seriously, there are much better and 'honorable' ways to get rid of yourself, so maybe invest in those? Kthxbai.
Josef Fritzl just scares the crap out of me. How can someone keep their own daughter locked in the cellar and rape her repeatedly for 24 years and father seven children with her? And how in the hell did the mother NOT know this was going on? What, she didn't go down in to the cellar for 24 years? Are you shitting me? I don't go into my basement all that much, but seriously, 24 years? I'd want to know what was down there, especially since it seems like he spent most of his time down there anyhow. I don't care if my husband told me I wasn't allowed to go down there. Actually, that would probably make me want to look more. And she just believed that her crazy 'deadbeat' daughter would come back and drop these three kids on their doorstep? And none of them knew where their family was? I'm thinking that there's more to be said about this family than meets the eye. I think it's interesting to note though that one of the children died - probably because s/he needed medical attention - but when 19 year old Kerstin starts having convulsions, Fritzl decides she should go to the hospital.
Seriously, what is the world coming to? Is the capitalist mindset so embedded into our souls that we can't even be human anymore? Do we even remember how to help people out? I know I'm a liberal free-spirited hippie chick, but really people, get on the ball.
If you're Buddhist, there are a myriad of great quotes from all of the wonderful teachers we've had in the past, especially Siddartha Gautama: "The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.” Don't we all know that we must help others? "Have compassion for all beings, rich and poor alike; each has their suffering. Some suffer too much, others too little.” "Teach this triple truth to all: A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things which renew humanity.” We have been charged to help others, and it happened around 2500 years ago. This is not a new concept at all.
I don't believe in God, but if you do, you should probably pay more attention to this section.
I apologize if you're Jewish, because I haven't studied the Torah or the Tanakh very closely, so I hope you don't feel too left out.
If you're Christian, you know about Jesus and all the things that he said to do, like "love thy neighbor" and "What shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul.” Oh and surely every kid who went to Kindergarten knows the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
If you're Muslim, you know about similar quotes from the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). Not only do you agree with most of Jesus' sayings, but you have some parallel sayings of your own: "Do not say, that if the people do good to us, we will do good to them; and if the people oppress us, we will oppress them; but determine that if people do you good, you will do good to them; and if they oppress you, you will not oppress them," and one of my favorites to compare, "Do you love your creator? Love your fellow-beings first.” Or one especially nice for today's world to see - "Especially if you are well-to-do, see that no one goes hungry or naked.” And just one more for good measure: "Shall I not inform you of a better act than fasting, alms, and prayers? Making peace between one another: enmity and malice tear up heavenly rewards by the roots.”
So why not live like the good [insert your religion here] and help other people out? A smile counts, because that becomes infectious.
Gas keeps going up. The national average has gone up more than thirty cents in the past month, and yet many companies including ExxonMobil are reporting record profits. This company in particular has also refused to explore alternative fuels, which is getting them sued by late founder John D. Rockefeller's heirs. Hopefully some good comes of it. Because of gas though, many people are trying to sell family heirlooms that are priceless to these families, but aren't fetching high prices online. We all need the extra money for gas. Whenever most people get their stimulus check, it should be a little better, but in the meantime, our economy sucks.
And then there's the Syncrude Canada Ltd. company, whose dumping of toxic waste is killing off poor duckies. Not only was it caused by the company dumping toxic waste into the pond nearby and not attempting to keep ducks away from it, but the company didn't report it at all. Only five out of 500 of the ducks survived, when normally only about two dozen die.
There have been like 344 earthquakes in Reno in the past WEEK?!?!? Most of them are small aftershocks, but the most recent quake was a 4.7, which wasn't strong enough to demolish houses, but definitely enough to shake everything up a lot. Store owners had to clean up hundreds of bottles of wine and other groceries.
And apparently Japan has one of the highest suicide rates? I guess there has been a surge in suicide websites, with people posting - similar to craigslist personals - "Let's die together," "Anyone else ready to die?" and the ever so popular "Email me if serious." The latest craze is to mix laundry detergent and cleaning solutions, creating hydrogen sulfide gas. Being a former chem major, I can tell you first hand that this stuff smells about ten times worse than running over a skunk. Why in the world anyone would want to smell that during their last precious moments on Earth, even if they are trying to kill themselves, is completely beyond me. On top of that, many of these people live in apartment buildings. These people want to die 'honorably' but they're taking out their neighbors too, or at least causing terrible brain damage due to suffocation and the chemicals themselves. Seriously, there are much better and 'honorable' ways to get rid of yourself, so maybe invest in those? Kthxbai.
Josef Fritzl just scares the crap out of me. How can someone keep their own daughter locked in the cellar and rape her repeatedly for 24 years and father seven children with her? And how in the hell did the mother NOT know this was going on? What, she didn't go down in to the cellar for 24 years? Are you shitting me? I don't go into my basement all that much, but seriously, 24 years? I'd want to know what was down there, especially since it seems like he spent most of his time down there anyhow. I don't care if my husband told me I wasn't allowed to go down there. Actually, that would probably make me want to look more. And she just believed that her crazy 'deadbeat' daughter would come back and drop these three kids on their doorstep? And none of them knew where their family was? I'm thinking that there's more to be said about this family than meets the eye. I think it's interesting to note though that one of the children died - probably because s/he needed medical attention - but when 19 year old Kerstin starts having convulsions, Fritzl decides she should go to the hospital.
Seriously, what is the world coming to? Is the capitalist mindset so embedded into our souls that we can't even be human anymore? Do we even remember how to help people out? I know I'm a liberal free-spirited hippie chick, but really people, get on the ball.
If you're Buddhist, there are a myriad of great quotes from all of the wonderful teachers we've had in the past, especially Siddartha Gautama: "The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.” Don't we all know that we must help others? "Have compassion for all beings, rich and poor alike; each has their suffering. Some suffer too much, others too little.” "Teach this triple truth to all: A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things which renew humanity.” We have been charged to help others, and it happened around 2500 years ago. This is not a new concept at all.
I don't believe in God, but if you do, you should probably pay more attention to this section.
I apologize if you're Jewish, because I haven't studied the Torah or the Tanakh very closely, so I hope you don't feel too left out.
If you're Christian, you know about Jesus and all the things that he said to do, like "love thy neighbor" and "What shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul.” Oh and surely every kid who went to Kindergarten knows the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
If you're Muslim, you know about similar quotes from the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). Not only do you agree with most of Jesus' sayings, but you have some parallel sayings of your own: "Do not say, that if the people do good to us, we will do good to them; and if the people oppress us, we will oppress them; but determine that if people do you good, you will do good to them; and if they oppress you, you will not oppress them," and one of my favorites to compare, "Do you love your creator? Love your fellow-beings first.” Or one especially nice for today's world to see - "Especially if you are well-to-do, see that no one goes hungry or naked.” And just one more for good measure: "Shall I not inform you of a better act than fasting, alms, and prayers? Making peace between one another: enmity and malice tear up heavenly rewards by the roots.”
So why not live like the good [insert your religion here] and help other people out? A smile counts, because that becomes infectious.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Secrets
I logged onto myspace this morning to check up on my friends like I do everyday. One of my friends reposted this bulletin about anonymously posting your secrets. The really sad thing about it is that most of these kids are so upset over unrequited love... Some of these kids really need help, others really need to get caught. I can't imagine the pain that they're going through and causing others... Some of them are so bad that I almost don't want to post them, but maybe by doing it I'll help someone somewhere realize what is going on and protect their children better.
I just had to share some of these - the good, the sad, the sick, and the ones from the kids who I'd like to kick pretty hard, right in the pants.
11. i don't think i will ever have the guts to tell him that i fell in love with him
12.i cry myself to sleep at night because im not with him
14. Most people think of me as a friend, but i wouldn't care if most of them died.
22.i've cut myself, my friends have told me to not do it again...but i actually enjoyed it and i want to do it again...but if i do i'm afraid they will hate me.
25.i love bob the builder
32. i'm afraid of this, of what i've become, of where we're going.
36.your starting to realize that shes not the right girl and I am....
37.You keep telling me i'm just pretty in a different way, I hope you know that just makes me feel worse.
40. i honesly think i am a lot prettier than the girls i am friends with. when i am infront of boys, i try to act like i dont know they think im hot. [ i dont think it works ]
46. im jealous of my sister because shes always in the limelight.. what about me? i thought i was just as great.. but i dont feel like my parents think so
47. I feel bad for my little sister. I'm always in the limelight and I wish I could make it so she doesn't feel like that ^^
51.im so scared hes going to hurt me again
53. i used to strangle myself because i liked the rush
54. i've had sex with 11 guys, and only my sweetheart is any good
55. im not sure if i am with him or not anymore. i still want to be, but he's given up hope... and i know i shouldnt want to be with someone like him but i fell in love with the jerk and miss him
56. i think im bisexual but i dont want to tell anyone cuz im not positive
60. my siztr dared me to make out wid a boy wen i was 5 wit a boi who was bout 8 or 9 and for that i would love to slap her across the face for talking to into it
65. Sometimes really violent and destructive thoughts just uncontrollably pop into my head, and i don't get help because i know they'll lock me up... one day i think i'm gonna end up killing someone
70. everyday i wish he would kiss me again just like he did for the first time.i miss him more than anyone will ever know.
72. I lied about her. I knew what I was doing, but didn't want to tell. Now everyone knows she's bi and feels bad for me... even though I didn't really want to.
76. hes cheated on me once, and i hear that he does it to me still.
79.Im suicidal and im not even 14 yet.. I get abused at home, and take tons of shit in at school. Suicide feels like the only way to make all my pain go away... its the only way out.
85. idk if i really care that i am hurting u so bad once again...
87.i think hes nice. really nice. but hes using you. i feel it. b.c. im your best friend. and if you lose your virginity to him...youll get so hurt...
89. i never really used condoms that much even though i force my friends too
96. i wish the world would end and i could go to heaven.
99. sometimes i wish i could die just to see who is at my funeral, and who really cares... theres a girl in my school who i would never want there.
102. Being with my best friend makes me feel ugly.
106. I have a "friend"and i think that the only reason im still "friends" with her is because i feel sorry for her and i feel really bad about it but i dont want to hurt her feelings by telling her i dont really like her
110.my best friend and my mom think that one of my good friends is in love with me. but im in love with his best friend. who loves me back...and i used to love the other one. im so confused.
116.i may look like the nicest girl ever but im really a total conceited bitch
119. I can't think of a good way to kill myself.
121. I tried to kill myself so many times, I lost count.
129. when i look into her eyes, i forget about the people of my past who treated me lyke shit. ive never been treated so well....i feel lyke weve been 2gether longer than we really have. i wanna spend the rest of muh life wit her...
130. ^^That's how I feel about him... :)
131. We talked and I know he'd be okay if we ended up together, but I feel bad because that's what my family wants too... They always pressure my relationships... that's part of why they've been so short.
144....i wish i was straight but im kind of happy being gay...i just want to be accepted
148. me and my best friend are so close. i basically literally love her to death. i wanna be with her the rest of my life.
159. I work at a daycare and molest children
160. I work at a preschool and molest children
163. I molest my children when they're too young to remember it, and that's the only reason I keep getting my bitch pregnant
164. I was molested, and I hope these assholes ^^^ rot in hell
165. everyday, i think of things that could happen that would cause me to die. most of the time i think of getting into a car accident. today, when i plugged my laptop in to charge, i imaged it blowing up. does this mean i want to die?
169. i hate my sister but if she ever left id probably kill myself because i actually dont hate her i love her more then almost anyone but im jealous of a lott of ha.
171.I'm gonna be lost when my sister goes to college this year. D:
172. i luv my sister and that's the only reason i didn't move out to live in the dorms... who would take care of her then?
180. i got pregnant and i got an abortion but didnt tell anyone anything
181. I tried to get pregnant to keep him...
182. i cry almost everynight.
185. I'm afraid to tell my best friend I'm bisexual.
198. I cry myself to sleep at night :'(
207.i am going to CRY SO MUCH at my 8th grade graduation.and even more at my high school graduation.
208. i've replayed that last kiss with him in my mind almost every night since it happened [it was june 07], and i cant help but to think he's forgotten me.
211. I actually look forward to death, but I'm not suicidal. . .?
214. i secretly dont really like my relatives because they've been bitches to me all my life.. it seems that they r changin but idk if i should even b willin to giv them a second chance because of howw horible they wer 2 me but im afraid that i wuz horrible to them??????????????
218. i was a bitch when i was little and abuse my pet and use to think when id have a kid i would throw it down the stairs for fun? im a changed person now and i think that people like that should go to hell. im ashamed of my past and no on even relizes how much i've changed its crazy.
219. im alone all the time. i cry everyday. my mom makes me cry a majority iof the time. my grades are low b.c. ive stopped caring. i really have stopped caring altogether.
222. I've thought several times of doing suicide and hanging myself, and only tried to attempt it once.
225. My mom lies about hitting my sister... I wonder if she just doesn't remember?
226. ^^ she lies about hitting me too
227. ^^^she hits me now...
230. I'm terrified of my dad, even though he never did anything to make me that way, it's just the way he looks at me.
231. sometimes i hate how my stepdad looks at me... or notices my underwear
233.I hate all of my friends... if they died, honestly, i dont think i would care.Its not like they notice when somethings wrong anyways...
237.Me and my friends had a plan similar to #500, except we'd give candy covered in acid to kids who we thought were asshole
238. I can't believe all the hurt and pain in the world. Sometimes it doesn't seem worth enduring, even though I know suicide is a cop out.
241. i'm gay and i luv my best friend
242.^ me 2 and weve been friends since kindergarten...11 fuckin years!!! and im not out 2 him and i feel so bad for holding such a deep secret it kills me more and more
243.^me too and its killing me cuz all i want to do is kiss him
244. i wish i had been a virgin when i met my boyfriend... it almost kills me inside that i wasn't
257.i so badly want to have sex
260. i was so mad at my real dad for so long until i grew up and realized he was lucky cuz he's as far as possible from my mom
261. when i talked to him for the first time, i couldn't tell him how mad i was b/c i was just happy to hear his voice
265. I'm cheating on my girlfriend with her sister and she's better
266. I got an STD from her boyfriend while she was pregnant... and he wasn't even that good...
267. I hooked up with an ex but found out he was cheating on his gf with me and didn't tell her, but stopped seeing him, but does that make it my fault?
271. Ive hold so much in...i never can tell people my past...i think i mite become a murder.
274. I started this, and added extra so people wouldn't notice.
277. I touch my sister once and it just kills me inside...
283. i wanna bang your mom. [×
286. i'm bulimic. i never stop thinking about my weight/body. i'm addicted to adderall, and i'm pretty sure i'm depressed. i'm madly in love with my boyfriend, and i know he doesn't give a shit about me. i would give anything in the world to have someone care about me the way that i care about him. . . i know i'm never going to be good enough.
290. i'm jealous of my sister b/c she lost so much weight, and i gained :(
299. I was physically and emotionally abused by my x girlfriend for 7 months, and i didnt do anything about it.
301.I think im going to be anorexic if i dont loose weight soon. i want to be a model, and i will do ANYTHING for it.
307. I put myself in horrible situations just so my family notices me.
309. I'm addicted to pot and my dad's the one that gives it to me
310. I'm sick of stupid sluts. LIterally were 14 and 15 years old. Fucking guys and giving head every weekend isn't supposed to happen. Find a guy you love.. settle down.. and stop fucking around all the time.
315. i hate my mom for not taking us to the doctor or dentist... and that she blames it on us, even though we were so little... i wonder if she'll ever figure out...
320. i fixed the spelling on a lot of these.
325.i love alot of boys but theres 3 that r killin me & i tyrred to kill myself more then 2ce im lucky im still here and i think comminteing suicide is aa way of sayin get fire me i quitt and im too skinny i ben told but i think im fatt
332. He said he'd always care about me and we could still be friends nd hang out and if things were different he wouldnt do it.Hes such a liar
333. he said it was him not me, but why did it make me crazy? why doesn't he ever hang out with me anymore...?
334. i really want to kill myself. just to see if anyone really cares, cuz i don't think anyone would give a shit if i died. isn't that bad?
335. I was molested by my best friend when I was little, right under everyone's nose. And I hate them for not seeing.
336. I can't believe she stayed with him even after I told her what he did to me.
337. I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
341. I;m treated like shit. i constantly help others but get abused when i go home.
343. I hate being called a prep but I can't help it I'm prettier than they are! It's not my fault!344. ^^ bitch
345. i used to feel that way
346. my sister doesnt even try and shes gorgeous but i can spend 3 hours on myself and never be pretty enough
354. My cousin and brother took advantage of me when i was in 3rd and 4th grade.
361. I think i have a tumor in my brain...so i cant EVER go to the doctor cause they will notice it..so i lie when im sick
364.im sorry that it bothers you that i hate my parents..but i truely do...when they get angry they beat me. i have bruises from it...i hide it everyday from everyone..i smile and laugh like nothings wrong. but im dying to scream the truth.
371. i am addicted to sex
372. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. His family is amazing, he treats me like a princess, and he always tries to help me out. I just wish that I didn't feel so bad about all the stuff that he does for me, even though we've talked about that. I wish I knew how to discern between when he's mad at me or just frusterated, although now he's getting better at letting me know... I know it's so early to be thinking about marriage, but I want to be his wife... I just wonder if he feels the same sometimes. But then he'll do something sooo cute, and I know. :)
373. someone in my family is the biggest dealer i know.
376. i met him on myspace and they'll never know
377. ^^ and he was 30
384. i have gotten naked on my web cam before to show my body off to one of my boyrfriends.
388. God has a plan for me, but wtf does he want
393. im so scared of growing older, and losing you.
397. my best friend told me he is gay but i keep denying it (but im not racist)
412. i see more than he realizes... i can see in his eyes too, i know exactly what they are all talking about.
413. I wish someone would figure which one of these I wrote.
422. i had a sexual relationship with a 21 year old man when i was 13.
425.I'm in love with some kid thats absolutely disgusting and perverted but somehow he just turns me on and i wanna lick him all the time.
426. i made out with a guy who was engaged and haven't told anyone.
427. i think im going to kill myself if my boyfriend leaves me.
428. Im killing myself...n told my best friend that there was nothing wrong.
440. i did become a devil worshiper when i was in my young teens.
441. i have lied to my parents (which i hate to lie) just so they wont think differently of me.
447. I hate my dad so much but i hide it bcuz i dont want to stop seeing my baby step sister. [i luv her so much!!]
451. sometimes i imagine how great life would be if i killed my stepmom.
456. My best friend messed up and now they think shes "displaying risky behaviors" and put her in a mental hospital
457.It kills me that i cheated on him over winter break with my ex boyfriend
459.I dont think i have forgiven my dad for what he has done && i dont think i ever will.
462. hahahha my secret has alot more to it than one thing. I fell in love with a jerk. My friends dont know the real me. I seem to be liked by the wrong people. I think im fat. I cant seem to stop cutting. i want some to love so bad it hurts. i hate sounding this stupid. i try not to judge people. im a effin klutz. im smart but decide to screw up my life. I dont want to disappoint my parents but always do. i feel like im a nobody. I doubt God but i dont want to. I cry everyday and it makes me feel sooooo weak. i want to die but want to live at the same time. I try way to hard to fit in. i hurt the ones i love. but it all leads to hating M Y S E L F even M O R E
463. you her things about ppl like this ^^^^^and you wanna punch them.. atleast i do
466. When we got drunk together, I really do remember kissing you. i just say i dont because i know it would break my bf's heart. & i think that i liked it.
467. i really hope im not pregnant and id feel better if i was actually dating him. i dont care that i will get hurt again because i have no respect for myself anyway..
470.he is my anti-drug. he hates it wen i get high so we made a deal i dont do any kind of drugs if he doesnt doesnt smoke. = ] were good together.
471. I'm going to kill myself if someone doesn't notice and help me soon.
474.I... am a messenger from god.. My job is to bring people to him.. If you open minded.. i can read it..[not kidding] The worlds going to end soon.. Any idea where ur going to go when you die.. I do..
475. ^^ i don't believe in god, does that mean you don't exist?
479. i think the reason why i'm with my boyfriend is because i want to lose my virginity. i really do love him, but i think i'm inlove with somebody else.
481. I hate that my parents always try to shove their religion down my throat and make fun of mine...
483.I hate my life..everyone i have ever loved has never loved me back. I have been abused by my parents but to scared to tell my friends..
484. i ate a cookie. =D
485. when i was young, i actually had a fetish for animals.
486. I was raped a year ago (I'm a guy) and never told anyone.
487. I am in love with a myspace fake. I've known it for sometime, and they have no idea. I know who the fake is of, and I know the real person. I really am in love. I don't want to be anymore though
488.Sometimes I wish I could be popular, so I could feel loved
490.im starting to like a guy ish but the problem is hes had sexual relationships with a guy but i think i might be pregnant from this guy and i have no clue what to do because he's still with the guy and i have absolutely no clue what the hell im supposed to do i can't raise a fucking child i can barely care for myself haha you want to know the worst part? i have a boyfriend who has absolutely no clue about anything that happend
491. i tried to kill myself 7 times but couldnt or was stopped
492.My uncle and my cousin both have committed suicide in the past three years.
493.i love when he touches me, it makes me feel like i matter.
494.^^but he has a girlfriend.
495. i've been molested and raped and tried to off myself b/c of it... but now i am happy with him
499. i bottle things up and when something really gets to me i go off, and i can really hurt people, and i really dont want to.
500. I donate food to homeless people and put acid in it so they die.
See what I mean?
I hope that maybe someone who reads this can help another person that they know. I hope that we can all identify with these poor kids and understand what they're going through. We need to be more observant and help them. Yeah, that might mean getting over our egos, but damn - isn't it worth it? We can save these kids, really we can - if we just open our eyes and look at what's right in front of us.
And that's why I'm an humanistic athiest. With all this going on, you can sit there and tell me there is a kind and loving God who wants us all to come back to heaven? Seriously, we have 14 and 15 year olds wanting to kill themselves because of their addictions, being raped/molested/beaten, feeling so inferior that the only way out they can see is death?
And that's why I'm also Buddhist. If I can achieve nirvana, maybe I can help others to do so too... and maybe we can save this world of ours... and our poor babies who're forced into this world of suffering and delusion... And I can't do it alone, I know that, but maybe with help we can reach out and save them... maybe they can have a better life than those of us who couldn't speak up, couldn't reach out ourselves, couldn't admit there was a problem.
I just had to share some of these - the good, the sad, the sick, and the ones from the kids who I'd like to kick pretty hard, right in the pants.
11. i don't think i will ever have the guts to tell him that i fell in love with him
12.i cry myself to sleep at night because im not with him
14. Most people think of me as a friend, but i wouldn't care if most of them died.
22.i've cut myself, my friends have told me to not do it again...but i actually enjoyed it and i want to do it again...but if i do i'm afraid they will hate me.
25.i love bob the builder
32. i'm afraid of this, of what i've become, of where we're going.
36.your starting to realize that shes not the right girl and I am....
37.You keep telling me i'm just pretty in a different way, I hope you know that just makes me feel worse.
40. i honesly think i am a lot prettier than the girls i am friends with. when i am infront of boys, i try to act like i dont know they think im hot. [ i dont think it works ]
46. im jealous of my sister because shes always in the limelight.. what about me? i thought i was just as great.. but i dont feel like my parents think so
47. I feel bad for my little sister. I'm always in the limelight and I wish I could make it so she doesn't feel like that ^^
51.im so scared hes going to hurt me again
53. i used to strangle myself because i liked the rush
54. i've had sex with 11 guys, and only my sweetheart is any good
55. im not sure if i am with him or not anymore. i still want to be, but he's given up hope... and i know i shouldnt want to be with someone like him but i fell in love with the jerk and miss him
56. i think im bisexual but i dont want to tell anyone cuz im not positive
60. my siztr dared me to make out wid a boy wen i was 5 wit a boi who was bout 8 or 9 and for that i would love to slap her across the face for talking to into it
65. Sometimes really violent and destructive thoughts just uncontrollably pop into my head, and i don't get help because i know they'll lock me up... one day i think i'm gonna end up killing someone
70. everyday i wish he would kiss me again just like he did for the first time.i miss him more than anyone will ever know.
72. I lied about her. I knew what I was doing, but didn't want to tell. Now everyone knows she's bi and feels bad for me... even though I didn't really want to.
76. hes cheated on me once, and i hear that he does it to me still.
79.Im suicidal and im not even 14 yet.. I get abused at home, and take tons of shit in at school. Suicide feels like the only way to make all my pain go away... its the only way out.
85. idk if i really care that i am hurting u so bad once again...
87.i think hes nice. really nice. but hes using you. i feel it. b.c. im your best friend. and if you lose your virginity to him...youll get so hurt...
89. i never really used condoms that much even though i force my friends too
96. i wish the world would end and i could go to heaven.
99. sometimes i wish i could die just to see who is at my funeral, and who really cares... theres a girl in my school who i would never want there.
102. Being with my best friend makes me feel ugly.
106. I have a "friend"and i think that the only reason im still "friends" with her is because i feel sorry for her and i feel really bad about it but i dont want to hurt her feelings by telling her i dont really like her
110.my best friend and my mom think that one of my good friends is in love with me. but im in love with his best friend. who loves me back...and i used to love the other one. im so confused.
116.i may look like the nicest girl ever but im really a total conceited bitch
119. I can't think of a good way to kill myself.
121. I tried to kill myself so many times, I lost count.
129. when i look into her eyes, i forget about the people of my past who treated me lyke shit. ive never been treated so well....i feel lyke weve been 2gether longer than we really have. i wanna spend the rest of muh life wit her...
130. ^^That's how I feel about him... :)
131. We talked and I know he'd be okay if we ended up together, but I feel bad because that's what my family wants too... They always pressure my relationships... that's part of why they've been so short.
144....i wish i was straight but im kind of happy being gay...i just want to be accepted
148. me and my best friend are so close. i basically literally love her to death. i wanna be with her the rest of my life.
159. I work at a daycare and molest children
160. I work at a preschool and molest children
163. I molest my children when they're too young to remember it, and that's the only reason I keep getting my bitch pregnant
164. I was molested, and I hope these assholes ^^^ rot in hell
165. everyday, i think of things that could happen that would cause me to die. most of the time i think of getting into a car accident. today, when i plugged my laptop in to charge, i imaged it blowing up. does this mean i want to die?
169. i hate my sister but if she ever left id probably kill myself because i actually dont hate her i love her more then almost anyone but im jealous of a lott of ha.
171.I'm gonna be lost when my sister goes to college this year. D:
172. i luv my sister and that's the only reason i didn't move out to live in the dorms... who would take care of her then?
180. i got pregnant and i got an abortion but didnt tell anyone anything
181. I tried to get pregnant to keep him...
182. i cry almost everynight.
185. I'm afraid to tell my best friend I'm bisexual.
198. I cry myself to sleep at night :'(
207.i am going to CRY SO MUCH at my 8th grade graduation.and even more at my high school graduation.
208. i've replayed that last kiss with him in my mind almost every night since it happened [it was june 07], and i cant help but to think he's forgotten me.
211. I actually look forward to death, but I'm not suicidal. . .?
214. i secretly dont really like my relatives because they've been bitches to me all my life.. it seems that they r changin but idk if i should even b willin to giv them a second chance because of howw horible they wer 2 me but im afraid that i wuz horrible to them??????????????
218. i was a bitch when i was little and abuse my pet and use to think when id have a kid i would throw it down the stairs for fun? im a changed person now and i think that people like that should go to hell. im ashamed of my past and no on even relizes how much i've changed its crazy.
219. im alone all the time. i cry everyday. my mom makes me cry a majority iof the time. my grades are low b.c. ive stopped caring. i really have stopped caring altogether.
222. I've thought several times of doing suicide and hanging myself, and only tried to attempt it once.
225. My mom lies about hitting my sister... I wonder if she just doesn't remember?
226. ^^ she lies about hitting me too
227. ^^^she hits me now...
230. I'm terrified of my dad, even though he never did anything to make me that way, it's just the way he looks at me.
231. sometimes i hate how my stepdad looks at me... or notices my underwear
233.I hate all of my friends... if they died, honestly, i dont think i would care.Its not like they notice when somethings wrong anyways...
237.Me and my friends had a plan similar to #500, except we'd give candy covered in acid to kids who we thought were asshole
238. I can't believe all the hurt and pain in the world. Sometimes it doesn't seem worth enduring, even though I know suicide is a cop out.
241. i'm gay and i luv my best friend
242.^ me 2 and weve been friends since kindergarten...11 fuckin years!!! and im not out 2 him and i feel so bad for holding such a deep secret it kills me more and more
243.^me too and its killing me cuz all i want to do is kiss him
244. i wish i had been a virgin when i met my boyfriend... it almost kills me inside that i wasn't
257.i so badly want to have sex
260. i was so mad at my real dad for so long until i grew up and realized he was lucky cuz he's as far as possible from my mom
261. when i talked to him for the first time, i couldn't tell him how mad i was b/c i was just happy to hear his voice
265. I'm cheating on my girlfriend with her sister and she's better
266. I got an STD from her boyfriend while she was pregnant... and he wasn't even that good...
267. I hooked up with an ex but found out he was cheating on his gf with me and didn't tell her, but stopped seeing him, but does that make it my fault?
271. Ive hold so much in...i never can tell people my past...i think i mite become a murder.
274. I started this, and added extra so people wouldn't notice.
277. I touch my sister once and it just kills me inside...
283. i wanna bang your mom. [×
286. i'm bulimic. i never stop thinking about my weight/body. i'm addicted to adderall, and i'm pretty sure i'm depressed. i'm madly in love with my boyfriend, and i know he doesn't give a shit about me. i would give anything in the world to have someone care about me the way that i care about him. . . i know i'm never going to be good enough.
290. i'm jealous of my sister b/c she lost so much weight, and i gained :(
299. I was physically and emotionally abused by my x girlfriend for 7 months, and i didnt do anything about it.
301.I think im going to be anorexic if i dont loose weight soon. i want to be a model, and i will do ANYTHING for it.
307. I put myself in horrible situations just so my family notices me.
309. I'm addicted to pot and my dad's the one that gives it to me
310. I'm sick of stupid sluts. LIterally were 14 and 15 years old. Fucking guys and giving head every weekend isn't supposed to happen. Find a guy you love.. settle down.. and stop fucking around all the time.
315. i hate my mom for not taking us to the doctor or dentist... and that she blames it on us, even though we were so little... i wonder if she'll ever figure out...
320. i fixed the spelling on a lot of these.
325.i love alot of boys but theres 3 that r killin me & i tyrred to kill myself more then 2ce im lucky im still here and i think comminteing suicide is aa way of sayin get fire me i quitt and im too skinny i ben told but i think im fatt
332. He said he'd always care about me and we could still be friends nd hang out and if things were different he wouldnt do it.Hes such a liar
333. he said it was him not me, but why did it make me crazy? why doesn't he ever hang out with me anymore...?
334. i really want to kill myself. just to see if anyone really cares, cuz i don't think anyone would give a shit if i died. isn't that bad?
335. I was molested by my best friend when I was little, right under everyone's nose. And I hate them for not seeing.
336. I can't believe she stayed with him even after I told her what he did to me.
337. I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
341. I;m treated like shit. i constantly help others but get abused when i go home.
343. I hate being called a prep but I can't help it I'm prettier than they are! It's not my fault!344. ^^ bitch
345. i used to feel that way
346. my sister doesnt even try and shes gorgeous but i can spend 3 hours on myself and never be pretty enough
354. My cousin and brother took advantage of me when i was in 3rd and 4th grade.
361. I think i have a tumor in my brain...so i cant EVER go to the doctor cause they will notice it..so i lie when im sick
364.im sorry that it bothers you that i hate my parents..but i truely do...when they get angry they beat me. i have bruises from it...i hide it everyday from everyone..i smile and laugh like nothings wrong. but im dying to scream the truth.
371. i am addicted to sex
372. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. His family is amazing, he treats me like a princess, and he always tries to help me out. I just wish that I didn't feel so bad about all the stuff that he does for me, even though we've talked about that. I wish I knew how to discern between when he's mad at me or just frusterated, although now he's getting better at letting me know... I know it's so early to be thinking about marriage, but I want to be his wife... I just wonder if he feels the same sometimes. But then he'll do something sooo cute, and I know. :)
373. someone in my family is the biggest dealer i know.
376. i met him on myspace and they'll never know
377. ^^ and he was 30
384. i have gotten naked on my web cam before to show my body off to one of my boyrfriends.
388. God has a plan for me, but wtf does he want
393. im so scared of growing older, and losing you.
397. my best friend told me he is gay but i keep denying it (but im not racist)
412. i see more than he realizes... i can see in his eyes too, i know exactly what they are all talking about.
413. I wish someone would figure which one of these I wrote.
422. i had a sexual relationship with a 21 year old man when i was 13.
425.I'm in love with some kid thats absolutely disgusting and perverted but somehow he just turns me on and i wanna lick him all the time.
426. i made out with a guy who was engaged and haven't told anyone.
427. i think im going to kill myself if my boyfriend leaves me.
428. Im killing myself...n told my best friend that there was nothing wrong.
440. i did become a devil worshiper when i was in my young teens.
441. i have lied to my parents (which i hate to lie) just so they wont think differently of me.
447. I hate my dad so much but i hide it bcuz i dont want to stop seeing my baby step sister. [i luv her so much!!]
451. sometimes i imagine how great life would be if i killed my stepmom.
456. My best friend messed up and now they think shes "displaying risky behaviors" and put her in a mental hospital
457.It kills me that i cheated on him over winter break with my ex boyfriend
459.I dont think i have forgiven my dad for what he has done && i dont think i ever will.
462. hahahha my secret has alot more to it than one thing. I fell in love with a jerk. My friends dont know the real me. I seem to be liked by the wrong people. I think im fat. I cant seem to stop cutting. i want some to love so bad it hurts. i hate sounding this stupid. i try not to judge people. im a effin klutz. im smart but decide to screw up my life. I dont want to disappoint my parents but always do. i feel like im a nobody. I doubt God but i dont want to. I cry everyday and it makes me feel sooooo weak. i want to die but want to live at the same time. I try way to hard to fit in. i hurt the ones i love. but it all leads to hating M Y S E L F even M O R E
463. you her things about ppl like this ^^^^^and you wanna punch them.. atleast i do
466. When we got drunk together, I really do remember kissing you. i just say i dont because i know it would break my bf's heart. & i think that i liked it.
467. i really hope im not pregnant and id feel better if i was actually dating him. i dont care that i will get hurt again because i have no respect for myself anyway..
470.he is my anti-drug. he hates it wen i get high so we made a deal i dont do any kind of drugs if he doesnt doesnt smoke. = ] were good together.
471. I'm going to kill myself if someone doesn't notice and help me soon.
474.I... am a messenger from god.. My job is to bring people to him.. If you open minded.. i can read it..[not kidding] The worlds going to end soon.. Any idea where ur going to go when you die.. I do..
475. ^^ i don't believe in god, does that mean you don't exist?
479. i think the reason why i'm with my boyfriend is because i want to lose my virginity. i really do love him, but i think i'm inlove with somebody else.
481. I hate that my parents always try to shove their religion down my throat and make fun of mine...
483.I hate my life..everyone i have ever loved has never loved me back. I have been abused by my parents but to scared to tell my friends..
484. i ate a cookie. =D
485. when i was young, i actually had a fetish for animals.
486. I was raped a year ago (I'm a guy) and never told anyone.
487. I am in love with a myspace fake. I've known it for sometime, and they have no idea. I know who the fake is of, and I know the real person. I really am in love. I don't want to be anymore though
488.Sometimes I wish I could be popular, so I could feel loved
490.im starting to like a guy ish but the problem is hes had sexual relationships with a guy but i think i might be pregnant from this guy and i have no clue what to do because he's still with the guy and i have absolutely no clue what the hell im supposed to do i can't raise a fucking child i can barely care for myself haha you want to know the worst part? i have a boyfriend who has absolutely no clue about anything that happend
491. i tried to kill myself 7 times but couldnt or was stopped
492.My uncle and my cousin both have committed suicide in the past three years.
493.i love when he touches me, it makes me feel like i matter.
494.^^but he has a girlfriend.
495. i've been molested and raped and tried to off myself b/c of it... but now i am happy with him
499. i bottle things up and when something really gets to me i go off, and i can really hurt people, and i really dont want to.
500. I donate food to homeless people and put acid in it so they die.
See what I mean?
I hope that maybe someone who reads this can help another person that they know. I hope that we can all identify with these poor kids and understand what they're going through. We need to be more observant and help them. Yeah, that might mean getting over our egos, but damn - isn't it worth it? We can save these kids, really we can - if we just open our eyes and look at what's right in front of us.
And that's why I'm an humanistic athiest. With all this going on, you can sit there and tell me there is a kind and loving God who wants us all to come back to heaven? Seriously, we have 14 and 15 year olds wanting to kill themselves because of their addictions, being raped/molested/beaten, feeling so inferior that the only way out they can see is death?
And that's why I'm also Buddhist. If I can achieve nirvana, maybe I can help others to do so too... and maybe we can save this world of ours... and our poor babies who're forced into this world of suffering and delusion... And I can't do it alone, I know that, but maybe with help we can reach out and save them... maybe they can have a better life than those of us who couldn't speak up, couldn't reach out ourselves, couldn't admit there was a problem.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Shambala!
Last night, we went to the Shambala center.
They were doing meditation and invited us to join them, which we gladly did.
Usually, I meditate in the corpse pose (lying on my back, arms stretched out to either side - like making a snow angel without the movement). It's easier for me because of the lack of strain on the body. I thoroughly enjoyed last night though. We sat in the half-lotus position, because we're not super experienced in that crazy feet over thighs area.
There was a birthday celebration for the founder's son, who is off doing other things. Wine, cider, cheese & crackers (oh yah!), and yummy chocolates and teas. It was awesomely fun.
They were doing meditation and invited us to join them, which we gladly did.
Usually, I meditate in the corpse pose (lying on my back, arms stretched out to either side - like making a snow angel without the movement). It's easier for me because of the lack of strain on the body. I thoroughly enjoyed last night though. We sat in the half-lotus position, because we're not super experienced in that crazy feet over thighs area.
There was a birthday celebration for the founder's son, who is off doing other things. Wine, cider, cheese & crackers (oh yah!), and yummy chocolates and teas. It was awesomely fun.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Wednesdays
are always really long seeming... except this one.
I'm having a great day today.
I actually woke up and was ready to leave the house by 6, but since we didn't have to leave until closer to 745, I was able to shower and be all girly with my hair. I got all dressed up and look all purdy.
Calculus was okay this morning. Still didn't get the tests back from last week, but hopefully tomorrow. Dr. Feil's getting sicker, and I'm getting unhappy that I'm in the splash-zone... luckily, he's not a spitter. Haha.
I got to snuggle with Theron this morning. He's super cuddly. :)
The only thing that really irked me about today so far was my EDU100 class. No, not really the class, but the topic. The whole class period today dealt with the ugly (Mrs. Donovan gave us the ol' "the good, the bad, and the ugly" speech at the beginning of the year). Last night I had to read a handout about the signs of all kinds of abuse - how to spot them, report them, all that fun stuff. There was a whole page with the things that teachers are supposed to watch out for, the most important warning signs of neglect and physical/emotional/sexual abuse. I hate that the article doesn't mention children molesting each other, because that happens more than adult on children sexual abuse.
For those of you who don't know, or don't know me, I was sexually abused by my best friend when I was little. Most of the women in my family have been. We all tend to be people pleasers, which is apparently one of the main symptoms of emotional abuse.
When someone is abused sexually, it doesn't just affect the sexual part of him/her. It takes a huge toll on them physically (depending on exactly what's happening to them), and emotionally.
It's like someone has stolen your innocence away. That's not something that you just get back... you never really do. All you can do is to pretend that it didn't happen to you, to block it out. The only problem with that, though, is that you are who you are. If I wasn't abused, maybe I would be some Britney Spears type pop star, ruining my life more and more with each line of coke I snort... or some girl who got pregnant in middle school, because she hadn't been exposed to sexuality before and had no clue what was happening to her during the conception.
The point is, you are who you are, and everything that you've been through has helped to make you that way. Yes, I'm withdrawn for the first few days/weeks/months that you know me, but I'm sure that it's helped me to avoid more problems by not interacting with certain people. Or my sister with her anger issues - she doesn't get walked all over by people trying to manipulate her because that's her defense.
We can't ignore our pasts. So, what's our alternative? Just omit it? That's the same as ignoring. Not focus on it at all? Same thing. The only thing that we can do is embrace the things that we've been through, the trials and tribulations, if you will, that we've faced. I was sexually abused for many years. No one knew what was going on, and I couldn't bring myself to talk, so no one could possibly do anything about it. How could I understand the things that my mama and my sister have been through if that hadn't happened to me? How unfeeling and awkward would the revealing conversations be? How many children/people am I supposed to talk to, supposed to let them know that they didn't do anything wrong, it wasn't their fault?
I know it might seem like I'm not mad about it at all. Believe me, I'm extremely upset. You would think that having a family full of abused women would have helped me, that they would've seen. Not necessarily. And maybe parts of them did see, did notice little things wrong, but were in denial.
And Claire? Oh, believe me, she got hers I'm sure. A six year old doesn't know those kinds of things unless shown... Her dad neglected them constantly. He worked for a Congressman who shall remain nameless... They were always with his friends or his girlfriends (and boy, did he go through a lot of 'em!).
I was so hesitant to move away from Eugene, not because I was going to miss my friends or my family (not to say that I wasn't, but it didn't scare the life outta me), but because I didn't know where she was. Come to find out (through searching myspace and google in the last 5 minutes) she's in Milwaukee... great... wonderful... perfect... lovely...
Anyways, enough about all that junkers. I think an hour venting is good enough for right now.
On a much, much, MUCH lighter and happier note, I'm going to a Buddhist temple tonight on a site visit for rel306. I'm really excited. This is really what I want to be and really what I identify with. Hopefully it goes well.
I'm sure I'll hop on tomorrow with wonderful tales about Buddhism and such things.
KK
I'm having a great day today.
I actually woke up and was ready to leave the house by 6, but since we didn't have to leave until closer to 745, I was able to shower and be all girly with my hair. I got all dressed up and look all purdy.
Calculus was okay this morning. Still didn't get the tests back from last week, but hopefully tomorrow. Dr. Feil's getting sicker, and I'm getting unhappy that I'm in the splash-zone... luckily, he's not a spitter. Haha.
I got to snuggle with Theron this morning. He's super cuddly. :)
The only thing that really irked me about today so far was my EDU100 class. No, not really the class, but the topic. The whole class period today dealt with the ugly (Mrs. Donovan gave us the ol' "the good, the bad, and the ugly" speech at the beginning of the year). Last night I had to read a handout about the signs of all kinds of abuse - how to spot them, report them, all that fun stuff. There was a whole page with the things that teachers are supposed to watch out for, the most important warning signs of neglect and physical/emotional/sexual abuse. I hate that the article doesn't mention children molesting each other, because that happens more than adult on children sexual abuse.
For those of you who don't know, or don't know me, I was sexually abused by my best friend when I was little. Most of the women in my family have been. We all tend to be people pleasers, which is apparently one of the main symptoms of emotional abuse.
When someone is abused sexually, it doesn't just affect the sexual part of him/her. It takes a huge toll on them physically (depending on exactly what's happening to them), and emotionally.
It's like someone has stolen your innocence away. That's not something that you just get back... you never really do. All you can do is to pretend that it didn't happen to you, to block it out. The only problem with that, though, is that you are who you are. If I wasn't abused, maybe I would be some Britney Spears type pop star, ruining my life more and more with each line of coke I snort... or some girl who got pregnant in middle school, because she hadn't been exposed to sexuality before and had no clue what was happening to her during the conception.
The point is, you are who you are, and everything that you've been through has helped to make you that way. Yes, I'm withdrawn for the first few days/weeks/months that you know me, but I'm sure that it's helped me to avoid more problems by not interacting with certain people. Or my sister with her anger issues - she doesn't get walked all over by people trying to manipulate her because that's her defense.
We can't ignore our pasts. So, what's our alternative? Just omit it? That's the same as ignoring. Not focus on it at all? Same thing. The only thing that we can do is embrace the things that we've been through, the trials and tribulations, if you will, that we've faced. I was sexually abused for many years. No one knew what was going on, and I couldn't bring myself to talk, so no one could possibly do anything about it. How could I understand the things that my mama and my sister have been through if that hadn't happened to me? How unfeeling and awkward would the revealing conversations be? How many children/people am I supposed to talk to, supposed to let them know that they didn't do anything wrong, it wasn't their fault?
I know it might seem like I'm not mad about it at all. Believe me, I'm extremely upset. You would think that having a family full of abused women would have helped me, that they would've seen. Not necessarily. And maybe parts of them did see, did notice little things wrong, but were in denial.
And Claire? Oh, believe me, she got hers I'm sure. A six year old doesn't know those kinds of things unless shown... Her dad neglected them constantly. He worked for a Congressman who shall remain nameless... They were always with his friends or his girlfriends (and boy, did he go through a lot of 'em!).
I was so hesitant to move away from Eugene, not because I was going to miss my friends or my family (not to say that I wasn't, but it didn't scare the life outta me), but because I didn't know where she was. Come to find out (through searching myspace and google in the last 5 minutes) she's in Milwaukee... great... wonderful... perfect... lovely...
Anyways, enough about all that junkers. I think an hour venting is good enough for right now.
On a much, much, MUCH lighter and happier note, I'm going to a Buddhist temple tonight on a site visit for rel306. I'm really excited. This is really what I want to be and really what I identify with. Hopefully it goes well.
I'm sure I'll hop on tomorrow with wonderful tales about Buddhism and such things.
KK
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Damnit Buddha...
Why do you have to be so right?!?
I have everything I could possibly want right now, everything that I need... and yet, I still feel out of place... not as isolated as before, but still on my own lil island out in the middle of no man's land. Nothing - not an awesome Halloween costume, great friends, an awesome family, an amazing guy - nothing helps. I'm beginning to think that maybe I should get some medicine, or maybe one of those fancy vitamin D lights that help people with SADD.
Or maybe, just maybe, I should try harder to stop being stupid with this depression stuff. I dunno why, but it all the sudden hit me again last week. I'm not doing well in Calc 1, and half the time I dunno how to help people in the math lab. I feel utterly inadequate. Theron's been doing so much for me, and I feel terrible about it. You significant other is supposed to be someone to share things in life with, not do everything for... that's children. And I'm sure that, at 20, he doesn't want/need one right now.
I guess I'm just feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone right now. I don't spend hardly any time with Kelsey, and I see the effect it's having, both on her and on our relationship. I barely get to see my mom anymore, and I think I see my dad right before bed, but sometimes neither of them are awake by the time I'm home. They work so hard, and I complain about the measly bit of time I work and go to school.
I wish I could suck it up and be the strong one, like I was for so many years. I can just hear my next conversation with Nathan: "I know you told me to be the strong one Nate, but I so am not strong... not nearly as strong as I let on." He'll tell me I'm being silly and far too literal - because I'm sure that I am - but I can't change it. Believe me, I've tried.
As comical as it is, I feel like that part of Spaceballs... They've crash-landed on that desert planet (a.k.a. mock-Tatooine) and are walking the day after. They're all so tired and so thirsty. Lone Star is trying desperately to go on, carrying his beautiful Princess Vespa, when out of nowhere, his best friend collapses. Then he tries to gather up the strength to keep going, but fails and falls into the sand after dropping Vespa to the side. The mock-Jawas come up and are giving me water now, but it's almost like I don't want to drink - not in a "I want to die" mode, obviously. More of an apathetic, "I want to take care of everyone else first, and never have anyone take care of me, but feel bad if they try" mode.
I've never really depended on someone outside of family so much before. It's a great breakthrough, but scary as hell too. After starting to talk about impermanence in Asian Religions, I think it's finally hit me how impermanent everything really is... including Theron. I think my biggest problem, seeing as it is a lil over a month into our relationship, is that I'm wondering when he's gonna get up and leave me. I don't want him to, not now and not in the future. But I feel like I'm expecting it, and it's making me more depressed. Honestly, it scares the living shit out of me.
We're supposed to expect the unexpected. What about unexpecting the expected?
I have everything I could possibly want right now, everything that I need... and yet, I still feel out of place... not as isolated as before, but still on my own lil island out in the middle of no man's land. Nothing - not an awesome Halloween costume, great friends, an awesome family, an amazing guy - nothing helps. I'm beginning to think that maybe I should get some medicine, or maybe one of those fancy vitamin D lights that help people with SADD.
Or maybe, just maybe, I should try harder to stop being stupid with this depression stuff. I dunno why, but it all the sudden hit me again last week. I'm not doing well in Calc 1, and half the time I dunno how to help people in the math lab. I feel utterly inadequate. Theron's been doing so much for me, and I feel terrible about it. You significant other is supposed to be someone to share things in life with, not do everything for... that's children. And I'm sure that, at 20, he doesn't want/need one right now.
I guess I'm just feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone right now. I don't spend hardly any time with Kelsey, and I see the effect it's having, both on her and on our relationship. I barely get to see my mom anymore, and I think I see my dad right before bed, but sometimes neither of them are awake by the time I'm home. They work so hard, and I complain about the measly bit of time I work and go to school.
I wish I could suck it up and be the strong one, like I was for so many years. I can just hear my next conversation with Nathan: "I know you told me to be the strong one Nate, but I so am not strong... not nearly as strong as I let on." He'll tell me I'm being silly and far too literal - because I'm sure that I am - but I can't change it. Believe me, I've tried.
As comical as it is, I feel like that part of Spaceballs... They've crash-landed on that desert planet (a.k.a. mock-Tatooine) and are walking the day after. They're all so tired and so thirsty. Lone Star is trying desperately to go on, carrying his beautiful Princess Vespa, when out of nowhere, his best friend collapses. Then he tries to gather up the strength to keep going, but fails and falls into the sand after dropping Vespa to the side. The mock-Jawas come up and are giving me water now, but it's almost like I don't want to drink - not in a "I want to die" mode, obviously. More of an apathetic, "I want to take care of everyone else first, and never have anyone take care of me, but feel bad if they try" mode.
I've never really depended on someone outside of family so much before. It's a great breakthrough, but scary as hell too. After starting to talk about impermanence in Asian Religions, I think it's finally hit me how impermanent everything really is... including Theron. I think my biggest problem, seeing as it is a lil over a month into our relationship, is that I'm wondering when he's gonna get up and leave me. I don't want him to, not now and not in the future. But I feel like I'm expecting it, and it's making me more depressed. Honestly, it scares the living shit out of me.
We're supposed to expect the unexpected. What about unexpecting the expected?
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Gah!
It's cold. It wouldn't really bother me except that my metabolism is all low because I haven't eaten yet today, and my sweater - which looked so warm when I bought it - is crap! I should just take it back later...
My body is aching so bad. Not sure whether it's the cold or the fact that I walked so much yesterday... Or that I'm hungry and cranky, and maybe trying to find things to complain about to a whole new audience!
I don't have to work again until Friday night. Hopefully my boss won't be there. Grrr is my manager at Kmart (for safety's sake - thanks Theron). Outside of work, she's an awesome lady - relatively easy to get along with. But when I'm at work... it's a totally different story. It feels like she doesn't think I'm capable of things. I am! I work my butt off everyday that I'm there. I'm the soft home team lead (basically, I manage towels, sheets, pillows, curtains, and other domestical items). I am the only one that does anything in that department. I used to have someone in charge of me, but now I report directly to the managers. They're not hiring anyone else to be my boss either, so I'll be alone there forever! It's extremely hard to take care of all of that and go to school full time. I have a minimum of 20 hours that I have to work in that department, and on top of that I end up doing a million other things. I know how to do everything in that store, so everyone asks me to cover their breaks and such. It's not my fault that there's no one on the floor - let alone anyone who knows how to do hunting licenses or has override numbers or knows where everything is in jewelry! I make more than people that have been there for years - which really actually makes me feel really bad - but it doesn't seem like I'm appreciated by Grrr otherwise. I bake cookies and buy pizza to share with everyone so they're happy, because she's brought down the morale so much that it only takes small things like that... All the best people have started to leave or are looking to, because they can't stand her and the way she manages the place. The store keeps getting worse and worse, because no one cares about having their job anymore - no one cares if they do well, because they hate everything that store is now. I do too, but I at least try to work a little bit. I guess I just feel stretched thin, and being unappreciated isn't helping it.
School is great. I love being in college, and so close to my goal of teaching. I just wish I had figured out that's what I wanted last year, so that I didn't have to stay here longer. My Calc 1 class hasn't been going so well, but hopefully since I'm doing the homework now, and I understand more, I'll be able to do better on the test tomorrow. Crap! I gotta catch up on that fast!
Theron is so cute. I'm sure he's gonna be all, "Why are you bragging about me? Now the people on my baseball blog will think I'm all crazy...ier..." But he really is. He's perfect for me, and it's awesome. I really feel like I have a center now, and whether or not he is it or helped me find it, I'm super grateful.
I got all these Buddhist books the other day, and I'm slowly working on them. It really is mostly what I've believe my whole life. I don't necessarily believe everything, but most of it. Reincarnation? Sure. No soul attached to the reincarnation thing? Not so much. Otherwise, you wouldn't really remember it, right? Not that you do anyway, but when you achieve Nirvana I mean.
For now, I'm going to go get some hot chocolate... or some coffee... maybe Theron won't notice that I had some with my coffee breath... I doubt it though.
Enjoy this fascinating tidbit on JRA:
Many famous people have suffered from RA. Pierre-Auguste Renoir, the 19th-century painter, developed RA in mid-life. His hands became so crippled that his paint brush had to be wedged between his fingers. However, he kept his sense of humour. He joked that he never finished a nude painting until he thought he could pinch it!
Comedy queen Lucille Ball of "I Love Lucy" fame had rheumatoid arthritis when she was 17 but that didn’t stop her from pursuing her dreams. Her first attack came while she was working as a model for Hattie Carnegie’s famous dress shop. She felt excruciating pain in her legs and the doctor who saw her said she would probably end up in a wheelchair as a result of the disease. Lucy was later referred to an orthopedic clinic near Columbia University where she was given experimental "horse serum" shots for several weeks that drained her money but didn’t stop the pain. Frightened and discouraged, she returned to her parent’s home in Jamestown, New York. "Gradually the pain subsided and finally one day with the support of her father and doctor, Lucy stood up, feeling wobbly and unsteady. Her left leg was now somewhat shorter than her right leg and it pulled sideways. To correct this, she began wearing a 20 - pound weight in one of her black orthopedic shoes. Though Lucy had residual pain she was able to take a part offered her with the Jamestown Players and she later returned to New York City in search of her dreams," said Carol and Richard Eustice - the people behind About.com’s Arthritis Guide who both have rheumatoid arthritis as well.
Hollywood star Kathleen Turner was so bothered by the pain of rheumatoid arthritis that she had suicidal thoughts.Rosalind Russell, star of the silver screen, had severe RA and did much to garner support for the advancement of research into this disease.
Aida Turturro- Aida Turturro plays Tony Soprano's conniving sister, Janice, on the HBO series "The Sopranos" , AND has suffered from rheumatoid arthritis since she was a child.
Camryn Manheim- "I went to several doctors before visiting a rheumatologist who finally diagnosed the painful swelling and stiffness in my joints as rheumatoid arthritis," says Camryn. "It took close to eight months for me to get properly diagnosed and treated. I lost valuable time, and the joint damage I sustained is irreversible. I'm sharing my story with the hope that it will inspire others to take control of their rheumatoid arthritis by learning more about the disease and working with a rheumatologist to manage it." Camryn first noticed the pain and stiffness in her fingers while she was practicing sign language, a passion of hers for more than 20 years. Initially, Camryn was told the pain was due to aging, but because of the severity of her symptoms, Camryn knew it was something more. It wasn't until Camryn conducted her own research and consulted with a rheumatologist that she received a proper diagnosis and found a treatment regimen that worked for her. Now, Camryn's symptoms are under control and she again has the energy to enjoy her normal daily activities, like teaching sign language and playing with her four-year-old son. Camryn's rheumatologist also is managing her treatment process closely to ensure she does not endure additional joint destruction.
-I got this from Michelle's Myspace page on Fighting Rheumatoid Arthritis - check it out on my JRA links list.
My body is aching so bad. Not sure whether it's the cold or the fact that I walked so much yesterday... Or that I'm hungry and cranky, and maybe trying to find things to complain about to a whole new audience!
I don't have to work again until Friday night. Hopefully my boss won't be there. Grrr is my manager at Kmart (for safety's sake - thanks Theron). Outside of work, she's an awesome lady - relatively easy to get along with. But when I'm at work... it's a totally different story. It feels like she doesn't think I'm capable of things. I am! I work my butt off everyday that I'm there. I'm the soft home team lead (basically, I manage towels, sheets, pillows, curtains, and other domestical items). I am the only one that does anything in that department. I used to have someone in charge of me, but now I report directly to the managers. They're not hiring anyone else to be my boss either, so I'll be alone there forever! It's extremely hard to take care of all of that and go to school full time. I have a minimum of 20 hours that I have to work in that department, and on top of that I end up doing a million other things. I know how to do everything in that store, so everyone asks me to cover their breaks and such. It's not my fault that there's no one on the floor - let alone anyone who knows how to do hunting licenses or has override numbers or knows where everything is in jewelry! I make more than people that have been there for years - which really actually makes me feel really bad - but it doesn't seem like I'm appreciated by Grrr otherwise. I bake cookies and buy pizza to share with everyone so they're happy, because she's brought down the morale so much that it only takes small things like that... All the best people have started to leave or are looking to, because they can't stand her and the way she manages the place. The store keeps getting worse and worse, because no one cares about having their job anymore - no one cares if they do well, because they hate everything that store is now. I do too, but I at least try to work a little bit. I guess I just feel stretched thin, and being unappreciated isn't helping it.
School is great. I love being in college, and so close to my goal of teaching. I just wish I had figured out that's what I wanted last year, so that I didn't have to stay here longer. My Calc 1 class hasn't been going so well, but hopefully since I'm doing the homework now, and I understand more, I'll be able to do better on the test tomorrow. Crap! I gotta catch up on that fast!
Theron is so cute. I'm sure he's gonna be all, "Why are you bragging about me? Now the people on my baseball blog will think I'm all crazy...ier..." But he really is. He's perfect for me, and it's awesome. I really feel like I have a center now, and whether or not he is it or helped me find it, I'm super grateful.
I got all these Buddhist books the other day, and I'm slowly working on them. It really is mostly what I've believe my whole life. I don't necessarily believe everything, but most of it. Reincarnation? Sure. No soul attached to the reincarnation thing? Not so much. Otherwise, you wouldn't really remember it, right? Not that you do anyway, but when you achieve Nirvana I mean.
For now, I'm going to go get some hot chocolate... or some coffee... maybe Theron won't notice that I had some with my coffee breath... I doubt it though.
Enjoy this fascinating tidbit on JRA:
Many famous people have suffered from RA. Pierre-Auguste Renoir, the 19th-century painter, developed RA in mid-life. His hands became so crippled that his paint brush had to be wedged between his fingers. However, he kept his sense of humour. He joked that he never finished a nude painting until he thought he could pinch it!
Comedy queen Lucille Ball of "I Love Lucy" fame had rheumatoid arthritis when she was 17 but that didn’t stop her from pursuing her dreams. Her first attack came while she was working as a model for Hattie Carnegie’s famous dress shop. She felt excruciating pain in her legs and the doctor who saw her said she would probably end up in a wheelchair as a result of the disease. Lucy was later referred to an orthopedic clinic near Columbia University where she was given experimental "horse serum" shots for several weeks that drained her money but didn’t stop the pain. Frightened and discouraged, she returned to her parent’s home in Jamestown, New York. "Gradually the pain subsided and finally one day with the support of her father and doctor, Lucy stood up, feeling wobbly and unsteady. Her left leg was now somewhat shorter than her right leg and it pulled sideways. To correct this, she began wearing a 20 - pound weight in one of her black orthopedic shoes. Though Lucy had residual pain she was able to take a part offered her with the Jamestown Players and she later returned to New York City in search of her dreams," said Carol and Richard Eustice - the people behind About.com’s Arthritis Guide who both have rheumatoid arthritis as well.
Hollywood star Kathleen Turner was so bothered by the pain of rheumatoid arthritis that she had suicidal thoughts.Rosalind Russell, star of the silver screen, had severe RA and did much to garner support for the advancement of research into this disease.
Aida Turturro- Aida Turturro plays Tony Soprano's conniving sister, Janice, on the HBO series "The Sopranos" , AND has suffered from rheumatoid arthritis since she was a child.
Camryn Manheim- "I went to several doctors before visiting a rheumatologist who finally diagnosed the painful swelling and stiffness in my joints as rheumatoid arthritis," says Camryn. "It took close to eight months for me to get properly diagnosed and treated. I lost valuable time, and the joint damage I sustained is irreversible. I'm sharing my story with the hope that it will inspire others to take control of their rheumatoid arthritis by learning more about the disease and working with a rheumatologist to manage it." Camryn first noticed the pain and stiffness in her fingers while she was practicing sign language, a passion of hers for more than 20 years. Initially, Camryn was told the pain was due to aging, but because of the severity of her symptoms, Camryn knew it was something more. It wasn't until Camryn conducted her own research and consulted with a rheumatologist that she received a proper diagnosis and found a treatment regimen that worked for her. Now, Camryn's symptoms are under control and she again has the energy to enjoy her normal daily activities, like teaching sign language and playing with her four-year-old son. Camryn's rheumatologist also is managing her treatment process closely to ensure she does not endure additional joint destruction.
-I got this from Michelle's Myspace page on Fighting Rheumatoid Arthritis - check it out on my JRA links list.
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