Volf

Well, I finished the Volf book, The End of Memory: Remembering Rightly in a Violent World, not too long after my last post. I've been so busy that I just have had no time to talk about it.

Volf discusses the importance of the perspectives of others. It's difficult to disseminate what the truth is in many cases, because there can be several truths (pg 46).

We have a "moral obligation" to remember the past truthfully (pg. 51). If we don't remember things correctly, we mess with our self-identity - not to mention the identity of our aggressors. The temptation is great to judge our aggressors and remember their actions as a part of who they are. While this might help us to feel better, it is not entirely fair to our aggressors. Some of them experience their own traumas, leading them to harm us. They are also potentially misremembering us - how we acted, initiated contact and 'asked for it.'

As all survivors of abuse know, memories have a life of their own (pg. 69). They can sneak up and ruin a perfect day just because a light breeze swept a certain smell to your nose. They also influence how we act towards others and react in situations. I mentioned last time that I'm usually very aware of what's happening around me. This tends to pick up when I'm in big cities or places I haven't really been before. Today, I was in Madison for an interview and parked in a garage. I avoided getting into a small elevator with a man. Walking to my car just before noon in a very well lit area, I had my keys in my hand ready to cut someone across the face - you know, just in case. I know that it's completely irrational, but still I can't stop myself.

Volf also points out the problems with inner healing: She will need to develop a sense that the wrongdoing has not closed off her horizon of future possibilities, that it does not define her identity, and that her life continues to have meaning notwithstanding the wrongdoing, possibly even party because of it." (pg. 76). That part definitely gets to be difficult. I believe that my sexual abuse defines part of who I am - not me as a whole, but my experiential self. I react to things differently because of my experiences. I would not say that I am proud of my abuse - obviously that's a stupid way to say it. It might be better to say that I try to not be ashamed of it. I hold myself back based partially in my abuse - I don't really like to be in crowds or with people I don't know.

In the end, this book helped me to learn more about the effects my memory has on the people around me, and the hidden effects it can have on me.

Healing and Memories

Warning: I'm going to talk about abuse. I tried hard not to put any triggers in. Still, read with caution?

I'm writing my senior paper right now about ethical views on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Right now I'm reading a book by Miroslav Volf, a Croatian Christian theologian. The subject of the book, The End of Memory: Remembering Rightly in a Violent World, is how to remember violence correctly. Volf himself was spent time being interrogated and held in the former Yugoslavian region, and so has had to learn how to deal with this subject quite personally.

I began reading this book because a professor assumed it would help with my paper. The last book he recommended didn't really help all that much so I was skeptical. However, quickly into starting the book this afternoon, I realized that this book was helping me on a much more personal level. I'm only halfway through the book right now, but I feel like it's helping.

Volf acknowledges that memories display themselves often, whether they are triggered by something or not: "The reason is obvious: to relive those experiences is painful, even in memory. When we remember the past, it is not only past; it breaks into the present and gains a new lease on life." (pg 21). For anyone who has suffered sexual abuse, this makes all the more sense. We cannot feel free if we are still living through these events. In essence, our abusers have a hold on us forever.

Volf argues that memory is "central to identity. To the extent that we sever ourselves from memories of what we have done and what has happened to us, we lose our true identity. We must hold fast to our memories along with the pain; otherwise we will not be true to ourselves. So salvation lies in memory insofar as that memory prevents us from distorting our essential selves and living a lie." (pg 24). In essence, by denying the abuse that we have endured, we lose pieces of ourselves - pieces necessary to really know and be honest with ourselves... and others.

We can't sit here and dwell on our abuse. That's completely unhealthy. It also isn't the most healthy thing to do to run around and tell everyone what you've been through. So what do we do then?

Honestly, I have no clue. It's not like there's a right answer. I guess it just has to do with what works for you. I can't remember most of my abuse. What I do remember... There's no way I can share that with anyone. It makes it really difficult to have good relationships with people, though, when you can't share things that are bothering you because they're related to the abuse. Maybe there should be a code word or phrase - I can say that instead of having to tell people what's going on with me.

Volf says that healing doesn't begin once we remember what has happened. We have to go further and integrate these memories into our story. We have to interpret what our memories mean and use them as a part of our identities (pg 27-28). I can't say I'm ready for that.

He also touches on one of the most integral points for me...

The memory of their own persecution [insert abuse type here] makes them see dangers lurking even where there are none; it leads them to exaggerate dangers that do exist and overreact with excessive violence or inappropriate preventative measures so as to ensure their own safety. Victims will often become perpetrators precisely on account of their memories [remember, this book isn't specifically geared towards sexual abuse]. It is because they remember past victimization that they feel justified in committing present violence. Or rather, it is because they remember their past victimization that they justify as rightful self-protection what to most observers looks like violence born of intolerance or even hatred. So easily does the protective shield of memory morph into a sword of violence. (pg 33)

I will never reveal what kinds of abuse I've endured, or by whom (for the most part). But this makes perfect sense. If you've been abused by a boyfriend in the past, you will react strangely to things going on in current relationships. If you were abused by a girl your age as a child, you usually aren't going to get along with other girls that well, especially your own age... And it's not because you don't try.

I am always very aware of my surroundings - who is in the area, where the exits are, what I could use to beat someone if need be. I'm focused so much on that stuff that I am not necessarily focused on being your best friend in the whole wide world. I'm so paranoid of being vulnerable that it's difficult to be in a long-term relationship without freaking out every now and then - whether or not the relationship is romantic. I try really hard not to let it show, but it's always in the back of my mind. People with whom I have a relationship hold a certain power over me, and that's something that can be scary to someone who has been abused.

So how do we really heal from all of this? I'll tell you what Volf has to say as I finish his book. In the meantime, it's not a bad book to read if you've been through abuse or know someone who has. For the latter, it might help you understand someone better.

Wow, They Finally Figured It Out

USA Today has a story up today on the prevalence of children as sex offenders (h/t to Marcella Chester). According to the story, 36% of sexual offenders are children, with a whopping 93% of them being boys. Girls are often involved in these activities at younger ages.

I was five when the six year old girl we took care of began to abuse me. For the longest time, I didn't know how to handle what had happened. It occurred to me, though, that she was probably abused by someone else - most likely an adult because of things that were going on in her life. As a child, you don't know how to handle that sort of thing and lash out against other people... or you are lead to believe that this is what constitutes love, which can mess up the rest of your life.

It is hard for me to reconcile my feelings on the sex offender list with the experiences I have had. Because she was probably abused, it isn't right to put her on the sex offender list. However, this doesn't downplay the problems that the abuse has caused me in my life.

How can I feel like I have justice?

Well, I really can't. The only thing I can do is go forward and try to move on. What happened to me and other children in similar situations was not our fault and it wasn't "innocent exploration." As hard as it is, you have to try and make peace with what happened to you, learn what you can from it, and be a better person because of your experiences.

Tyler Perry

In the past, Tyler Perry has spoken about the fact that he was abused as a child, but never in detail. However, today he took part in something so therapeutic for those of us who have been abused - he spoke out about it.

He posted quite a bit about his abuse stories on the message section of his website. They aren't for the faint of heart, especially if you have experienced similar events in your life. CNN gives a less detailed summary of the different issues a young Tyler Perry faced, which may be a little easier to read for some.

I find a lot of what Tyler Perry has done with films and other media to be slightly annoying. However, reading about his past has made me respect him as a person and understand better some of the reasonings behind his actions. Anyone who has survived such hard things in their lives deserve a lot more respect than they ever really get, especially those who have been able to talk about their abuse.

Tyler Perry didn't just wake up today thinking about telling his story to the world. It generally does not - cannot - happen like that. Oprah and Perry have backed a new film - Precious - which will be in theaters. The film is about a teenage girl from Harlem who lives in a very abusive situation. Her father has gotten her pregnant for the second time and she has to deal with an abusive and ignorant mother. On top of all this, she is a freshman in high school at sixteen who has no clue how to read or write. She faces being kicked out of school and instead opts for alternative schooling, which helps to get Precious out of her home situation.

I'd like to share with you a quote from Perry's message earlier today:

If you're having a hard time getting over something in your life, maybe you can try forgiveness too. It's not easy, but it does bring forth healing. I know that there are a lot of people out there with stories far worse than mine but you, too, can make it. To those of you who have, welcome to life. I celebrate you.

He's right. It was one of the most frightening moments when I realized that the little girl who abused me must have been abused herself and was probably acting out based upon the same sorts of things I was feeling. It was so freeing to begin forgiving her for what I went through. That isn't to say that I'm not still mad at her. Forgiveness is something you have to do slowly and work really hard at. In the end though, I think - I hope - it'll be worth it.

Iran Update

Two separate people who were protesting Iran's past have come out and started to talk about their experiences in captivity. This man and woman were both raped while being held. It is important to beware of the possibility of triggers when reading this article, but please do so.

WTF?

Last night, here in Waukesha, Carroll University hosted Take Back the Night. For those of you who haven't heard about it, the organization, which began in the late 1970's, holds get-togethers where survivors of abuse can speak out in a safe place - some for the first time. It is generally geared towards women, but there were some men who spoke up about their abuse. It was so difficult to listen to people speak out about their abuse, especially my roommate. I hadn't really cried until she made it up there to share her story. I had thought about getting up to share my story and seeing my roommate's courage let me know it was alright to do so. I was so scared but it was so freeing to share with my classmates and other people in the community something that I've kept to myself until the last two years.

I've never gotten therapy for the things that happened to me as a child. No one in my family has. The only reason I bring up this point is because of shows like Showbiz Tonight and others who are trying to say that Mackenzie Phillips is either lying or should not have broadcast her story to the world, that she should be in therapy instead of bringing attention to what's happened to her. I feel ashamed of the fact that our society still cannot talk about this. What happened to Mackenzie wasn't any more her fault that it was mine. Most people who have been abused do not talk about what happened to them because they fear the kind of retribution that this brave woman is facing. Michelle Phillips, Mackenzie's stepmother, is making this process 110% harder for her stepdaughter than it should be.

I can't believe that, as a society, we can condemn sexual abuse and in the same breath call victims liars when we cannot verify the claims. This is a sad world we're living in and it's no surprise to me that so many of the victims of sexual abuse end up trying to commit suicide or keeping their stories to themselves forever.

I Hate Talking About This Stuff

But it's definitely a necessary evil. This Jaycee Lee Dugard case is clearly disturbing. At the time, I lived in the area and visited Lake Tahoe a few times because my family had a cabin up there. I was so young that I really don't remember hearing about anything. CNN is, of course, talking about this woman's breaking story. Today, this story (Victims of repeated abuse suffer complex trauma) found it's way onto the front page. Lemme break this down...

Victims of abuse suffer crazy amounts of trauma. I can't even explain to people close to me things that happened or why I tend to act weird around certain things. The slightest little thing can trigger a flashback - a color, smell, look - even a word. Maybe it is because I am someone who experienced this kind of trauma, but the headline of the story seems like a no-brainer to me. I'm not going to compare myself to Ms. Dugard, but simply analyze this article based on my experiences.

"Sexual abuse doesn't happen in silence," said Karen Duncan, a clinical therapist. "Things are said to the child before, during and after. Offenders say things in a purposeful way -- to convince the child what they're doing is OK and acceptable. The children do not know the laws. They really don't know this is something that's not supposed to happen."

Sometimes things are said, sometimes not so much. It's all dependent on the abuser, abusee, and the situation. I had no clue what was going on with me was all that wrong at first. By the time I did, it wasn't like I had any power to stop it.

In sexual assault cases, adults threaten or lie to get children under their control.

"We don't know if she was told her parents didn't want her anymore, or that if she tried to escape, they would kill her parents," said Dr. Sharon Cooper, a developmental and forensic pediatrician, who also is a consultant for the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children. "There are many threats to compliance in these kinds of situations."

Something I find upsetting about any articles like these is that they always fail to mention child-on-child sexual abuse. Is it because many of us who have experienced this kind of abuse try to play it off as ordinary childhood sexual exploration? Who knows. At some point, however, an adult had to be involved with a child in order to prompt said child to mimic his/her actions with another. Also, as I've discussed before, threats don't necessarily have to be said or even made by the abuser. I was scared to death that a) no one would believe me, and b) my family would be ashamed of me.

Because Dugard remained at the Garridos' compound for 18 years, she could have identified with her captives, experts said. Dugard may actually miss her captors now because they have been the center of her world for so long, forensic psychiatrist Helen Morrison told CNN.

"That was her life," Morrison said. "That's what she knew. That's the only thing she had. It's a little variant of what we call the Stockholm syndrome where you become identified with your kidnappers and in many ways, you become attached to them."

It's not uncommon to see someone fail for their abuser or be so "in-love" with their abuser that they cannot leave the situation. My childhood abuser was my best friend. Why in the world would I think that she would've done anything to hurt me? Best friends love each other right? This was just another way of showing it, like grown ups do.

The pivotal step for Dugard is to get connected with a mental health professional, Landry said. It's essential to reinforce to survivors that what happened is not their fault.

This really is one of the best things to do. However, it is also one of the hardest things anyone will ever go through in their lives. On a day-to-day basis - before I told my mom and after - I can pretend that I am just another normal girl. I've talked to a therapist at school a few times about my abuse. As hard as it was to tell my mom, the person every little girl idolizes growing up and is so close to, about what happened... Having to tell a perfect stranger and feel as though they are judging you is a whole different ballgame. Oh, and that's not even mentioning that you have to tell people roughly what happened to you and go through hell all over again. I'd rather suffer in silence personally.

On Thursday, she [formally kidnapped Elizabeth Smart] told CNN's Anderson Cooper that after the reunion she spent lots of time with her family and advised survivors to not let "this horrible event take over and consume the rest of your life. Because we only have one life and it's a beautiful world out there."

"I would just encourage her to find different passions in life and continually push forward ... [and] not to look behind, because there's a lot out there," Smart said.

Ms. Smart has some very good advice there. We cannot let ourselves be defined by the abuse we've suffered. It is a part of my life and something that I can't escape from (in the long-run anyway). People don't need to know what happened to me or even that anything happened. I know what happened, that it was wrong, and that I did nothing to deserve that.

Sometimes there are tornadoes and hurricanes. The devastation is terrible, but that doesn't mean that the sun stops shining. We have to pick up the pieces, rearrange them, and try to rebuild our lives. Sure, it's a process (it's been four years since Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans and still the area is in ruins). As someone who is still in that process, I'm not quite sure that it ever ends. One can only hope.

This Is Why Parents Don't Get Told

There are a lot of things that go through a person's mind when they've been raped or sexually assaulted. I wish I could say that these things get easier with time. To an extent, they do, but life never returns to 'normal,' whatever that is. The hesitation to tell someone about the assault can definitely grow over time.

As a child, I really didn't have a huge idea that other people weren't going through what I was experiencing. I thought that it could just be a part of life and growing up. I slowly learned that what was happening to me was not alright, not normal, and not something that should be happening. I couldn't bring myself to tell my mom until sometime in the last year or so.

I was so afraid that my mom would react like this family did, that she would be ashamed of or mad at me. I cannot even express how many times I tried to talk about what was happening, what had happened to me. I'd open my mouth to start to talk about it, but then would change the subject or conveniently 'forget' what I was saying. My mom did everything when I was younger to try and make sure that these things she went through as a young girl did not happen to my sister and me, but even all of her careful questions and explanations of good touch/bad touch couldn't overcome the feelings of being abused.

It's only really been within the last year that I've been able to talk more openly about the things that happened to me as a little girl. Even then, I still feel so vulnerable that when people ask me questions about what happened, I can't answer them. Many times, I do want to answer these questions, but the power that these abusers hold over us silence even the most talkative tongues. Other times, I can't describe things I've experienced or even remember what happened. These, of course, end up being the things that people I've spoken to about my abuse want to know about.

If anyone in your life has been sexually abused or assaulted, the most important thing to do is to be supportive and understanding. No one knows exactly what happened to me and, in all likelihood, no one will. It is not that I don't trust the people in my life enough to speak about these things, but there's a pain that exists that can't really be described, even to myself.

Michael Jackson

I'm gonna piss people off, so I'll let you know right off the bat.

I'm sorry, but if you didn't molest young boys, why would you settle with one of the boys' families? I know I wouldn't. It is also obvious to see what happened as a result of his relationship with Macaulay Culkin also.

Do I feel bad that his childhood sucked? Sure. Do I like some of his music? Of course. Do I feel bad that he's dead? No, not really.

Why Do Teachers Sleep With Their Students?

Seriously, I don't get it. But even more unbelievable sometimes is how these students are attracted to their teachers. Some of these women are so unattractive or old that it doesn't make sense to me. The only thing I can think is that maybe the kids were pressured into it. We all know what it's like to be a teenager and stuck in precarious positions.

The latest case of teacher-student sexual relationships come from Brevard County, Florida, also home of one of the cutest baseball mascots.This sixty year old woman (yes, that's 60) who worked at the juvenile detention center as a teacher began this relationship with a seventeen year old student after he left the center. Adrienne Laflamme is charged with fifteen counts of "sex violations with a minor," including an instance where a fourteen year old boy joined the lovers. She told the students involved not to say anything. She also lent the 17 year old her car and then reported it stolen, for which she faces a charge of filing a false police report.

Hopefully by the time this crazy lady gets out of jail, if she doesn't die in there of old age, she won't have any interest in the student, unlike Mary Kay Fualaau (formerly Letourneau).

Child Rapists Deserve To Live?

The Supreme Court just handed down the decision that no child rapist is allowed to be executed for their crimes. This saves a Louisiana man from the execution planned for him after sneaking into his eight year old step-daughter's room and raping her in the middle of the night. The majority of the Court cites that death for such a crime would be cruel and unusual punishment, thus violating the Eighth Amendment:

Justice Samuel Alito wrote the dissent, saying, "The harm that is caused to the victims and to society at large by the worst child rapist is grave." He was supported by Chief Justice John Roberts and Justices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas.

In his dissent, Alito wrote that the majority ruled against the death penalty "no matter how young the child, no matter how many times the child is raped, no matter how many children the perpetrator rapes, no matter how sadistic the crime, no matter how much physical or psychological trauma is inflicted and no matter how heinous the perpetrator's criminal record may be."

Supporters of Louisiana's law say that besides murder, no crime is more deserving of the death penalty than child rape, and the punishment would be used only in the most heinous of circumstances.

So, basically, if a five time repeat offender gets his hands on a two year old and goes at her for days, even weeks, he won't get the death penalty unless he kills her? I'm sorry, but that's crap. Oh sure, they deserve the right to live, and my tax dollars will go to making him comfortable, feeding him, hell even educating him. If he's going to live, the best they can do is put him in a cell with a 300-pound horn dog named Bubba.

People who haven't been abused or raped don't really understand the long-term effects of that kind of thing. I was abused anywhere from three to five years, not mentioning the things that happened to me later in life, and I don't think that it's fair that the person who started the cycle of abuse that eventually got to me or to my sister just gets off with no consequence. Sure, jail would be fine with me, but compared to others I did not have it that bad. It's not fair what people can get away with and not get the right amount of punishment.

Any form of sexual abuse clearly leaves it's own physical mark on the victim. But the really long-lasting problems are psychological and emotional. I've had terrible trust issues because of my abuse, and that led to a whole string of terrible relationships, not to mention how it fractured relationships with my family at times. Any word, smell, situation, the way someone looks at you - all that can throw you right back into that point of time where your innocence was stolen from you by someone looking to have a good time. That can happen everyday, or if you're lucky only a few times a month. The nightmares that you can have are excruciatingly painful, depicting anything you can remember. The only alternative to remembering all that is to forget the whole point of time surrounding your abuse.

Despite my photographic and great memory, I can only remember bits and pieces from when my abuse occurred. I wish I could remember more - times I spent with my sister and the rest of my family, things like that. But those memories are gone and I probably won't get them back unless I can go through all of my abuse and work more on getting over it than ignoring it. I'm strong, but I'm not sure that I'm that strong quite yet.

I know that with Theron's help I've been able to get over and go through a lot of what's happened to me, and I bet he doesn't even know it. That's really the only way you can ever recover from something as heinous as any sort of abuse - find someone who loves you for you and who only wants the best for you, someone who is understanding and who can tell when there's something wrong, someone who will do whatever it takes to cheer you up. I only hope that other people who've gone through stuff like this can work through the fog and find someone like him.

Wednesdays

are always really long seeming... except this one.

I'm having a great day today.

I actually woke up and was ready to leave the house by 6, but since we didn't have to leave until closer to 745, I was able to shower and be all girly with my hair. I got all dressed up and look all purdy.

Calculus was okay this morning. Still didn't get the tests back from last week, but hopefully tomorrow. Dr. Feil's getting sicker, and I'm getting unhappy that I'm in the splash-zone... luckily, he's not a spitter. Haha.

I got to snuggle with Theron this morning. He's super cuddly. :)

The only thing that really irked me about today so far was my EDU100 class. No, not really the class, but the topic. The whole class period today dealt with the ugly (Mrs. Donovan gave us the ol' "the good, the bad, and the ugly" speech at the beginning of the year). Last night I had to read a handout about the signs of all kinds of abuse - how to spot them, report them, all that fun stuff. There was a whole page with the things that teachers are supposed to watch out for, the most important warning signs of neglect and physical/emotional/sexual abuse. I hate that the article doesn't mention children molesting each other, because that happens more than adult on children sexual abuse.

For those of you who don't know, or don't know me, I was sexually abused by my best friend when I was little. Most of the women in my family have been. We all tend to be people pleasers, which is apparently one of the main symptoms of emotional abuse.

When someone is abused sexually, it doesn't just affect the sexual part of him/her. It takes a huge toll on them physically (depending on exactly what's happening to them), and emotionally.

It's like someone has stolen your innocence away. That's not something that you just get back... you never really do. All you can do is to pretend that it didn't happen to you, to block it out. The only problem with that, though, is that you are who you are. If I wasn't abused, maybe I would be some Britney Spears type pop star, ruining my life more and more with each line of coke I snort... or some girl who got pregnant in middle school, because she hadn't been exposed to sexuality before and had no clue what was happening to her during the conception.

The point is, you are who you are, and everything that you've been through has helped to make you that way. Yes, I'm withdrawn for the first few days/weeks/months that you know me, but I'm sure that it's helped me to avoid more problems by not interacting with certain people. Or my sister with her anger issues - she doesn't get walked all over by people trying to manipulate her because that's her defense.

We can't ignore our pasts. So, what's our alternative? Just omit it? That's the same as ignoring. Not focus on it at all? Same thing. The only thing that we can do is embrace the things that we've been through, the trials and tribulations, if you will, that we've faced. I was sexually abused for many years. No one knew what was going on, and I couldn't bring myself to talk, so no one could possibly do anything about it. How could I understand the things that my mama and my sister have been through if that hadn't happened to me? How unfeeling and awkward would the revealing conversations be? How many children/people am I supposed to talk to, supposed to let them know that they didn't do anything wrong, it wasn't their fault?

I know it might seem like I'm not mad about it at all. Believe me, I'm extremely upset. You would think that having a family full of abused women would have helped me, that they would've seen. Not necessarily. And maybe parts of them did see, did notice little things wrong, but were in denial.

And Claire? Oh, believe me, she got hers I'm sure. A six year old doesn't know those kinds of things unless shown... Her dad neglected them constantly. He worked for a Congressman who shall remain nameless... They were always with his friends or his girlfriends (and boy, did he go through a lot of 'em!).

I was so hesitant to move away from Eugene, not because I was going to miss my friends or my family (not to say that I wasn't, but it didn't scare the life outta me), but because I didn't know where she was. Come to find out (through searching myspace and google in the last 5 minutes) she's in Milwaukee... great... wonderful... perfect... lovely...

Anyways, enough about all that junkers. I think an hour venting is good enough for right now.

On a much, much, MUCH lighter and happier note, I'm going to a Buddhist temple tonight on a site visit for rel306. I'm really excited. This is really what I want to be and really what I identify with. Hopefully it goes well.

I'm sure I'll hop on tomorrow with wonderful tales about Buddhism and such things.

KK