Volf

Well, I finished the Volf book, The End of Memory: Remembering Rightly in a Violent World, not too long after my last post. I've been so busy that I just have had no time to talk about it.

Volf discusses the importance of the perspectives of others. It's difficult to disseminate what the truth is in many cases, because there can be several truths (pg 46).

We have a "moral obligation" to remember the past truthfully (pg. 51). If we don't remember things correctly, we mess with our self-identity - not to mention the identity of our aggressors. The temptation is great to judge our aggressors and remember their actions as a part of who they are. While this might help us to feel better, it is not entirely fair to our aggressors. Some of them experience their own traumas, leading them to harm us. They are also potentially misremembering us - how we acted, initiated contact and 'asked for it.'

As all survivors of abuse know, memories have a life of their own (pg. 69). They can sneak up and ruin a perfect day just because a light breeze swept a certain smell to your nose. They also influence how we act towards others and react in situations. I mentioned last time that I'm usually very aware of what's happening around me. This tends to pick up when I'm in big cities or places I haven't really been before. Today, I was in Madison for an interview and parked in a garage. I avoided getting into a small elevator with a man. Walking to my car just before noon in a very well lit area, I had my keys in my hand ready to cut someone across the face - you know, just in case. I know that it's completely irrational, but still I can't stop myself.

Volf also points out the problems with inner healing: She will need to develop a sense that the wrongdoing has not closed off her horizon of future possibilities, that it does not define her identity, and that her life continues to have meaning notwithstanding the wrongdoing, possibly even party because of it." (pg. 76). That part definitely gets to be difficult. I believe that my sexual abuse defines part of who I am - not me as a whole, but my experiential self. I react to things differently because of my experiences. I would not say that I am proud of my abuse - obviously that's a stupid way to say it. It might be better to say that I try to not be ashamed of it. I hold myself back based partially in my abuse - I don't really like to be in crowds or with people I don't know.

In the end, this book helped me to learn more about the effects my memory has on the people around me, and the hidden effects it can have on me.

Healing and Memories

Warning: I'm going to talk about abuse. I tried hard not to put any triggers in. Still, read with caution?

I'm writing my senior paper right now about ethical views on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Right now I'm reading a book by Miroslav Volf, a Croatian Christian theologian. The subject of the book, The End of Memory: Remembering Rightly in a Violent World, is how to remember violence correctly. Volf himself was spent time being interrogated and held in the former Yugoslavian region, and so has had to learn how to deal with this subject quite personally.

I began reading this book because a professor assumed it would help with my paper. The last book he recommended didn't really help all that much so I was skeptical. However, quickly into starting the book this afternoon, I realized that this book was helping me on a much more personal level. I'm only halfway through the book right now, but I feel like it's helping.

Volf acknowledges that memories display themselves often, whether they are triggered by something or not: "The reason is obvious: to relive those experiences is painful, even in memory. When we remember the past, it is not only past; it breaks into the present and gains a new lease on life." (pg 21). For anyone who has suffered sexual abuse, this makes all the more sense. We cannot feel free if we are still living through these events. In essence, our abusers have a hold on us forever.

Volf argues that memory is "central to identity. To the extent that we sever ourselves from memories of what we have done and what has happened to us, we lose our true identity. We must hold fast to our memories along with the pain; otherwise we will not be true to ourselves. So salvation lies in memory insofar as that memory prevents us from distorting our essential selves and living a lie." (pg 24). In essence, by denying the abuse that we have endured, we lose pieces of ourselves - pieces necessary to really know and be honest with ourselves... and others.

We can't sit here and dwell on our abuse. That's completely unhealthy. It also isn't the most healthy thing to do to run around and tell everyone what you've been through. So what do we do then?

Honestly, I have no clue. It's not like there's a right answer. I guess it just has to do with what works for you. I can't remember most of my abuse. What I do remember... There's no way I can share that with anyone. It makes it really difficult to have good relationships with people, though, when you can't share things that are bothering you because they're related to the abuse. Maybe there should be a code word or phrase - I can say that instead of having to tell people what's going on with me.

Volf says that healing doesn't begin once we remember what has happened. We have to go further and integrate these memories into our story. We have to interpret what our memories mean and use them as a part of our identities (pg 27-28). I can't say I'm ready for that.

He also touches on one of the most integral points for me...

The memory of their own persecution [insert abuse type here] makes them see dangers lurking even where there are none; it leads them to exaggerate dangers that do exist and overreact with excessive violence or inappropriate preventative measures so as to ensure their own safety. Victims will often become perpetrators precisely on account of their memories [remember, this book isn't specifically geared towards sexual abuse]. It is because they remember past victimization that they feel justified in committing present violence. Or rather, it is because they remember their past victimization that they justify as rightful self-protection what to most observers looks like violence born of intolerance or even hatred. So easily does the protective shield of memory morph into a sword of violence. (pg 33)

I will never reveal what kinds of abuse I've endured, or by whom (for the most part). But this makes perfect sense. If you've been abused by a boyfriend in the past, you will react strangely to things going on in current relationships. If you were abused by a girl your age as a child, you usually aren't going to get along with other girls that well, especially your own age... And it's not because you don't try.

I am always very aware of my surroundings - who is in the area, where the exits are, what I could use to beat someone if need be. I'm focused so much on that stuff that I am not necessarily focused on being your best friend in the whole wide world. I'm so paranoid of being vulnerable that it's difficult to be in a long-term relationship without freaking out every now and then - whether or not the relationship is romantic. I try really hard not to let it show, but it's always in the back of my mind. People with whom I have a relationship hold a certain power over me, and that's something that can be scary to someone who has been abused.

So how do we really heal from all of this? I'll tell you what Volf has to say as I finish his book. In the meantime, it's not a bad book to read if you've been through abuse or know someone who has. For the latter, it might help you understand someone better.

I Have A Thing For Odd News

It's just too fun to not blog about.

Here's the weirdest news of all - David Spade is a dad. Not only that, no, but the mother is a Playboy Playmate?! Weird. The baby was born in late August. Hopefully, her doctor wasn't like this guy.

New Jersey is one crazy ass place. I think it's pretty sad that the youngest daughter has to raise all those kids now. But, thank g-d she wasn't home so that someone can take care of them.

This couple's will seems more like one that would've been left by an angry parent. However, I can see that the husband really never felt supported by his brother. I wonder what Robert thinks about all this now that his brother's dead and buried?

Oh! And breaking news! He Kexin, the little Chinese gymnast, is underage! Big surprise there. I doubt the Olympic Committee even cares right now, otherwise they'd have found out.

It always breaks my heart to see children treated poorly. That's a big part of why the following stories bother me.

An older couple in Arizona kept their grandson in a closet. Unlike Harry Potter, this young child was not allowed to attend school, play, have friends - anything. He was barely allowed out of the closet and barely given food. He weighs a mere 48 pounds at age nine.

You'd think if you were having a class sleepover that security would be pretty tight right? Or at least that the guardians on site would sleep in shifts in case the kids needed potty help or something. Unfortunately, this class down under didn't think about that. I want to know what the hell these guys were doing in the building, let alone waiting in the toilet. I think that they knew someone female was gonna have to use the bathroom during the night, and when it was a little girl that just made them happier. I hope that she is okay.

Child Rapists Deserve To Live?

The Supreme Court just handed down the decision that no child rapist is allowed to be executed for their crimes. This saves a Louisiana man from the execution planned for him after sneaking into his eight year old step-daughter's room and raping her in the middle of the night. The majority of the Court cites that death for such a crime would be cruel and unusual punishment, thus violating the Eighth Amendment:

Justice Samuel Alito wrote the dissent, saying, "The harm that is caused to the victims and to society at large by the worst child rapist is grave." He was supported by Chief Justice John Roberts and Justices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas.

In his dissent, Alito wrote that the majority ruled against the death penalty "no matter how young the child, no matter how many times the child is raped, no matter how many children the perpetrator rapes, no matter how sadistic the crime, no matter how much physical or psychological trauma is inflicted and no matter how heinous the perpetrator's criminal record may be."

Supporters of Louisiana's law say that besides murder, no crime is more deserving of the death penalty than child rape, and the punishment would be used only in the most heinous of circumstances.

So, basically, if a five time repeat offender gets his hands on a two year old and goes at her for days, even weeks, he won't get the death penalty unless he kills her? I'm sorry, but that's crap. Oh sure, they deserve the right to live, and my tax dollars will go to making him comfortable, feeding him, hell even educating him. If he's going to live, the best they can do is put him in a cell with a 300-pound horn dog named Bubba.

People who haven't been abused or raped don't really understand the long-term effects of that kind of thing. I was abused anywhere from three to five years, not mentioning the things that happened to me later in life, and I don't think that it's fair that the person who started the cycle of abuse that eventually got to me or to my sister just gets off with no consequence. Sure, jail would be fine with me, but compared to others I did not have it that bad. It's not fair what people can get away with and not get the right amount of punishment.

Any form of sexual abuse clearly leaves it's own physical mark on the victim. But the really long-lasting problems are psychological and emotional. I've had terrible trust issues because of my abuse, and that led to a whole string of terrible relationships, not to mention how it fractured relationships with my family at times. Any word, smell, situation, the way someone looks at you - all that can throw you right back into that point of time where your innocence was stolen from you by someone looking to have a good time. That can happen everyday, or if you're lucky only a few times a month. The nightmares that you can have are excruciatingly painful, depicting anything you can remember. The only alternative to remembering all that is to forget the whole point of time surrounding your abuse.

Despite my photographic and great memory, I can only remember bits and pieces from when my abuse occurred. I wish I could remember more - times I spent with my sister and the rest of my family, things like that. But those memories are gone and I probably won't get them back unless I can go through all of my abuse and work more on getting over it than ignoring it. I'm strong, but I'm not sure that I'm that strong quite yet.

I know that with Theron's help I've been able to get over and go through a lot of what's happened to me, and I bet he doesn't even know it. That's really the only way you can ever recover from something as heinous as any sort of abuse - find someone who loves you for you and who only wants the best for you, someone who is understanding and who can tell when there's something wrong, someone who will do whatever it takes to cheer you up. I only hope that other people who've gone through stuff like this can work through the fog and find someone like him.

Wednesdays

are always really long seeming... except this one.

I'm having a great day today.

I actually woke up and was ready to leave the house by 6, but since we didn't have to leave until closer to 745, I was able to shower and be all girly with my hair. I got all dressed up and look all purdy.

Calculus was okay this morning. Still didn't get the tests back from last week, but hopefully tomorrow. Dr. Feil's getting sicker, and I'm getting unhappy that I'm in the splash-zone... luckily, he's not a spitter. Haha.

I got to snuggle with Theron this morning. He's super cuddly. :)

The only thing that really irked me about today so far was my EDU100 class. No, not really the class, but the topic. The whole class period today dealt with the ugly (Mrs. Donovan gave us the ol' "the good, the bad, and the ugly" speech at the beginning of the year). Last night I had to read a handout about the signs of all kinds of abuse - how to spot them, report them, all that fun stuff. There was a whole page with the things that teachers are supposed to watch out for, the most important warning signs of neglect and physical/emotional/sexual abuse. I hate that the article doesn't mention children molesting each other, because that happens more than adult on children sexual abuse.

For those of you who don't know, or don't know me, I was sexually abused by my best friend when I was little. Most of the women in my family have been. We all tend to be people pleasers, which is apparently one of the main symptoms of emotional abuse.

When someone is abused sexually, it doesn't just affect the sexual part of him/her. It takes a huge toll on them physically (depending on exactly what's happening to them), and emotionally.

It's like someone has stolen your innocence away. That's not something that you just get back... you never really do. All you can do is to pretend that it didn't happen to you, to block it out. The only problem with that, though, is that you are who you are. If I wasn't abused, maybe I would be some Britney Spears type pop star, ruining my life more and more with each line of coke I snort... or some girl who got pregnant in middle school, because she hadn't been exposed to sexuality before and had no clue what was happening to her during the conception.

The point is, you are who you are, and everything that you've been through has helped to make you that way. Yes, I'm withdrawn for the first few days/weeks/months that you know me, but I'm sure that it's helped me to avoid more problems by not interacting with certain people. Or my sister with her anger issues - she doesn't get walked all over by people trying to manipulate her because that's her defense.

We can't ignore our pasts. So, what's our alternative? Just omit it? That's the same as ignoring. Not focus on it at all? Same thing. The only thing that we can do is embrace the things that we've been through, the trials and tribulations, if you will, that we've faced. I was sexually abused for many years. No one knew what was going on, and I couldn't bring myself to talk, so no one could possibly do anything about it. How could I understand the things that my mama and my sister have been through if that hadn't happened to me? How unfeeling and awkward would the revealing conversations be? How many children/people am I supposed to talk to, supposed to let them know that they didn't do anything wrong, it wasn't their fault?

I know it might seem like I'm not mad about it at all. Believe me, I'm extremely upset. You would think that having a family full of abused women would have helped me, that they would've seen. Not necessarily. And maybe parts of them did see, did notice little things wrong, but were in denial.

And Claire? Oh, believe me, she got hers I'm sure. A six year old doesn't know those kinds of things unless shown... Her dad neglected them constantly. He worked for a Congressman who shall remain nameless... They were always with his friends or his girlfriends (and boy, did he go through a lot of 'em!).

I was so hesitant to move away from Eugene, not because I was going to miss my friends or my family (not to say that I wasn't, but it didn't scare the life outta me), but because I didn't know where she was. Come to find out (through searching myspace and google in the last 5 minutes) she's in Milwaukee... great... wonderful... perfect... lovely...

Anyways, enough about all that junkers. I think an hour venting is good enough for right now.

On a much, much, MUCH lighter and happier note, I'm going to a Buddhist temple tonight on a site visit for rel306. I'm really excited. This is really what I want to be and really what I identify with. Hopefully it goes well.

I'm sure I'll hop on tomorrow with wonderful tales about Buddhism and such things.

KK