Finally!

Theron's car is finally ready! Thank god! I got tired of walking lol. But they've had it since Monday morning - how long can it really take to fix some break lines?

I got on to check on my credit card, to see how much I owe and all. It said I had like 200 available on it... I got scared that maybe some things hadn't cleared... But they raised my credit limit to $650 now instead of the $500 it's been at since I got it last July. Yay me! Hopefully that means I got kudos on my credit score too! :-D

I think I'm going to switch majors. I know that I want to have Religious Studies as my major, but I'm debating between Politics and History as a minor... or both... I hadn't thought of both, but Theron brought up the idea this morning, and it seems like a good one to me. I've always been able to handle the intellectual stuff better, so I dunno why I keep trying to major in a hard science. Apparently I like to make things hard on myself.

Last night was our Trivial Pursuit game - history club students against the faculty, and we almost won! We got all the pie pieces first, but they got their final answer right before us. :( At least we tried hard! And had tons o' fun! One of the professors there, Dr. Byler, if from Pendleton, Oregon. We had a nice lil talk about Eugene and Oregon and how much we both miss it back in the rainy land we hail from. Funny enough, it all resulted from a question we had to ask the faculty about Oregon State, and then someone said - "Oh yah, U of O isn't Corvallis..." and I'm like "No, that's Eugene... where I hail from." So then all the faculty got wrapped up in asking me questions about it instead of paying attention to their questions, lol. It was a lot of fun though, and maybe part of my wants to minor in history to be the new president of the club, so I can plan fun stuffs like that too! Michelle did an awesome job! Oh! And the best part about it was that it was like a costume party too! Theron went as a cow (hee hee) and I went as a muted version of Pat Bennetar. There was a Monk, some 40s women, a WWI soldier, a Crusades fighter, and the lost Princess Anastasia (in disguise, of course!). Rempe, the only history professor I've taken a class from (who retired last year, much to the chagrin of almost the entire campus) showed up! It was nice to see him outside of Kmart... He comes in a lot to get bug spray and such.

I've had this feeling the past couple of days that something bad was going to happen (read my last blog for more details). I was convinced that it was going to have something to do with Theron, since anyone who knows me knows that I have terrible relationship luck. This morning, though, on the way to school, my dad and I almost got into a horrible car accident that surely would've crippled him, and at least left me with a concussion and maybe a broken arm/leg and some ribs. At the intersection of Racine Ave and Hwy 164, there's a light (duh!). We had the go straight arrow, and hence, the right of way. We were a lil ways back, and so one of the cars going to turn went, which was perfectly fine - he totally had enough time to do so. But, the van behind him decided it was going to go... without looking. We're coming, and he's going. Dad slowed down, but the van sped up, and we were seriously within an inch or so of being creamed. Dad swerved, sans breaking, and then quickly had to swerve to the other side to avoid a white semi-van thing that was going to go through the right turn without yielding! Phew! We are so lucky that he is a good driver. But, my bad feeling that I had? It's gone now. Hopefully, that was what it was about. I think everything is going to be okay now... or at least, I hope.

Damnit Buddha...

Why do you have to be so right?!?

I have everything I could possibly want right now, everything that I need... and yet, I still feel out of place... not as isolated as before, but still on my own lil island out in the middle of no man's land. Nothing - not an awesome Halloween costume, great friends, an awesome family, an amazing guy - nothing helps. I'm beginning to think that maybe I should get some medicine, or maybe one of those fancy vitamin D lights that help people with SADD.

Or maybe, just maybe, I should try harder to stop being stupid with this depression stuff. I dunno why, but it all the sudden hit me again last week. I'm not doing well in Calc 1, and half the time I dunno how to help people in the math lab. I feel utterly inadequate. Theron's been doing so much for me, and I feel terrible about it. You significant other is supposed to be someone to share things in life with, not do everything for... that's children. And I'm sure that, at 20, he doesn't want/need one right now.

I guess I'm just feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone right now. I don't spend hardly any time with Kelsey, and I see the effect it's having, both on her and on our relationship. I barely get to see my mom anymore, and I think I see my dad right before bed, but sometimes neither of them are awake by the time I'm home. They work so hard, and I complain about the measly bit of time I work and go to school.

I wish I could suck it up and be the strong one, like I was for so many years. I can just hear my next conversation with Nathan: "I know you told me to be the strong one Nate, but I so am not strong... not nearly as strong as I let on." He'll tell me I'm being silly and far too literal - because I'm sure that I am - but I can't change it. Believe me, I've tried.

As comical as it is, I feel like that part of Spaceballs... They've crash-landed on that desert planet (a.k.a. mock-Tatooine) and are walking the day after. They're all so tired and so thirsty. Lone Star is trying desperately to go on, carrying his beautiful Princess Vespa, when out of nowhere, his best friend collapses. Then he tries to gather up the strength to keep going, but fails and falls into the sand after dropping Vespa to the side. The mock-Jawas come up and are giving me water now, but it's almost like I don't want to drink - not in a "I want to die" mode, obviously. More of an apathetic, "I want to take care of everyone else first, and never have anyone take care of me, but feel bad if they try" mode.

I've never really depended on someone outside of family so much before. It's a great breakthrough, but scary as hell too. After starting to talk about impermanence in Asian Religions, I think it's finally hit me how impermanent everything really is... including Theron. I think my biggest problem, seeing as it is a lil over a month into our relationship, is that I'm wondering when he's gonna get up and leave me. I don't want him to, not now and not in the future. But I feel like I'm expecting it, and it's making me more depressed. Honestly, it scares the living shit out of me.

We're supposed to expect the unexpected. What about unexpecting the expected?

Yoga and the Art of Meditation

Although I practice the physical part of yoga, in addition to keeping my mind stilled and freed from distraction, I never before thought about the ability to be freed from anything but the everyday stresses that plague me. I imagine I'm on a beach, the most beautiful I can think of. I've been under a tree, in the shade, and the sun starts to rise slowly, disabling the tree from protecting my pale skin. The sun starts to touch my toes, creating much welcomed warmth. It then rises up my body, and I feel the warmth traveling through me, my body absorbing it like a sponge in water. It reaches the point where my fingertips are warmed, the sun rising up my arms, my torso, and my neck. It gets to my eyes, and I have to squint a little, being unaccustomed to so much sun. Finally, it reaches the top of my head, and I am immersed in sunshine, becoming one with it. The sand below me falls away, and I am suspended in the air, the sun now shining all around me. It permeates my skin, burning away all of the sorrow and frustration, the stress and the pain I feel. It takes away the thoughts of imperfections, of insufficiencies, and my doubts about the path I'm on; instead, it takes me to a place where I am content with myself, where I can be completely myself, without fear of being not good enough for anyone, including myself. My body starts to drift back down onto the sand, landing ever so gently. The sun changes its direction, starts moving away from me and back behind my tree. It slowly fades from my head, my fingertips, all the way down to my toes. And I am once again asleep under a tree on a beach. When I open my eyes, I'm back in my room, or my boyfriends, or outside on the grass. I feel rejuvenated, rested, like I've slept for ages.

Gah!

It's cold. It wouldn't really bother me except that my metabolism is all low because I haven't eaten yet today, and my sweater - which looked so warm when I bought it - is crap! I should just take it back later...

My body is aching so bad. Not sure whether it's the cold or the fact that I walked so much yesterday... Or that I'm hungry and cranky, and maybe trying to find things to complain about to a whole new audience!

I don't have to work again until Friday night. Hopefully my boss won't be there. Grrr is my manager at Kmart (for safety's sake - thanks Theron). Outside of work, she's an awesome lady - relatively easy to get along with. But when I'm at work... it's a totally different story. It feels like she doesn't think I'm capable of things. I am! I work my butt off everyday that I'm there. I'm the soft home team lead (basically, I manage towels, sheets, pillows, curtains, and other domestical items). I am the only one that does anything in that department. I used to have someone in charge of me, but now I report directly to the managers. They're not hiring anyone else to be my boss either, so I'll be alone there forever! It's extremely hard to take care of all of that and go to school full time. I have a minimum of 20 hours that I have to work in that department, and on top of that I end up doing a million other things. I know how to do everything in that store, so everyone asks me to cover their breaks and such. It's not my fault that there's no one on the floor - let alone anyone who knows how to do hunting licenses or has override numbers or knows where everything is in jewelry! I make more than people that have been there for years - which really actually makes me feel really bad - but it doesn't seem like I'm appreciated by Grrr otherwise. I bake cookies and buy pizza to share with everyone so they're happy, because she's brought down the morale so much that it only takes small things like that... All the best people have started to leave or are looking to, because they can't stand her and the way she manages the place. The store keeps getting worse and worse, because no one cares about having their job anymore - no one cares if they do well, because they hate everything that store is now. I do too, but I at least try to work a little bit. I guess I just feel stretched thin, and being unappreciated isn't helping it.

School is great. I love being in college, and so close to my goal of teaching. I just wish I had figured out that's what I wanted last year, so that I didn't have to stay here longer. My Calc 1 class hasn't been going so well, but hopefully since I'm doing the homework now, and I understand more, I'll be able to do better on the test tomorrow. Crap! I gotta catch up on that fast!

Theron is so cute. I'm sure he's gonna be all, "Why are you bragging about me? Now the people on my baseball blog will think I'm all crazy...ier..." But he really is. He's perfect for me, and it's awesome. I really feel like I have a center now, and whether or not he is it or helped me find it, I'm super grateful.

I got all these Buddhist books the other day, and I'm slowly working on them. It really is mostly what I've believe my whole life. I don't necessarily believe everything, but most of it. Reincarnation? Sure. No soul attached to the reincarnation thing? Not so much. Otherwise, you wouldn't really remember it, right? Not that you do anyway, but when you achieve Nirvana I mean.

For now, I'm going to go get some hot chocolate... or some coffee... maybe Theron won't notice that I had some with my coffee breath... I doubt it though.

Enjoy this fascinating tidbit on JRA:

Many famous people have suffered from RA. Pierre-Auguste Renoir, the 19th-century painter, developed RA in mid-life. His hands became so crippled that his paint brush had to be wedged between his fingers. However, he kept his sense of humour. He joked that he never finished a nude painting until he thought he could pinch it!

Comedy queen Lucille Ball of "I Love Lucy" fame had rheumatoid arthritis when she was 17 but that didn’t stop her from pursuing her dreams. Her first attack came while she was working as a model for Hattie Carnegie’s famous dress shop. She felt excruciating pain in her legs and the doctor who saw her said she would probably end up in a wheelchair as a result of the disease. Lucy was later referred to an orthopedic clinic near Columbia University where she was given experimental "horse serum" shots for several weeks that drained her money but didn’t stop the pain. Frightened and discouraged, she returned to her parent’s home in Jamestown, New York. "Gradually the pain subsided and finally one day with the support of her father and doctor, Lucy stood up, feeling wobbly and unsteady. Her left leg was now somewhat shorter than her right leg and it pulled sideways. To correct this, she began wearing a 20 - pound weight in one of her black orthopedic shoes. Though Lucy had residual pain she was able to take a part offered her with the Jamestown Players and she later returned to New York City in search of her dreams," said Carol and Richard Eustice - the people behind About.com’s Arthritis Guide who both have rheumatoid arthritis as well.

Hollywood star Kathleen Turner was so bothered by the pain of rheumatoid arthritis that she had suicidal thoughts.Rosalind Russell, star of the silver screen, had severe RA and did much to garner support for the advancement of research into this disease.

Aida Turturro- Aida Turturro plays Tony Soprano's conniving sister, Janice, on the HBO series "The Sopranos" , AND has suffered from rheumatoid arthritis since she was a child.

Camryn Manheim- "I went to several doctors before visiting a rheumatologist who finally diagnosed the painful swelling and stiffness in my joints as rheumatoid arthritis," says Camryn. "It took close to eight months for me to get properly diagnosed and treated. I lost valuable time, and the joint damage I sustained is irreversible. I'm sharing my story with the hope that it will inspire others to take control of their rheumatoid arthritis by learning more about the disease and working with a rheumatologist to manage it." Camryn first noticed the pain and stiffness in her fingers while she was practicing sign language, a passion of hers for more than 20 years. Initially, Camryn was told the pain was due to aging, but because of the severity of her symptoms, Camryn knew it was something more. It wasn't until Camryn conducted her own research and consulted with a rheumatologist that she received a proper diagnosis and found a treatment regimen that worked for her. Now, Camryn's symptoms are under control and she again has the energy to enjoy her normal daily activities, like teaching sign language and playing with her four-year-old son. Camryn's rheumatologist also is managing her treatment process closely to ensure she does not endure additional joint destruction.

-I got this from Michelle's Myspace page on Fighting Rheumatoid Arthritis - check it out on my JRA links list.

First Post - woohoo!

So this is my blog. I'm sure you've stumbled over it accidentally while trying to search serious "How To"s, but this'll help you, trust me.

A lil bit about me...
I'm 19, in college majoring in math and education. Someday I'll have a classroom full of high school students thinking I'm either insane or genius. I've got an awesome boyfriend who also blogs on here, about baseball (his other love). We've been together a month as of last Saturday, and I totally feel perfect around him. I love music (my equivalent to his baseball). I sing, compose, write, play the piano - which I taught myself for the most part. I'm always singing or listening, so in essence, it's my life. I have Still's Disease (also known as Systemic Onset Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis). My life is centered around the things I can and can't do, although I tend to push myself a lot to feel more normal. I'll put more about it in an about me section I suppose.

The purpose...
of this blog is to offer some insight into how it is to be a giggly & giddy go-getter with a million things on her mind, working almost full time at (suc)Kmart and going to school full time. It'll have advice & hints on how to make it through the hard days, celebrations on the good, and commentaries on the normal. It'll chronicle my JRA, be a guide for people who need help managing pain, and for those interested in making a journey to self-discovery. I'm just starting on my path into Buddhism, taking a class about Asian Religions at school. But, I'm growing more and more certain everyday that it's the right path for me.

I would love to get any feedback on any of my posts. My email is kwhiggitywhiggitywhack@gmail.com. Feel free to email me at anytime. Fun addy, huh? X-P